Imaginary Love
by Toshizou
Summary: FINISHED! Kakashi and Iruka have feelings for each other but cannot admit this. When a dangerous mission threaten their lives they will have to make a descision before it's too late. Reviews fuel the imagination!
1. Chapter 1: Every Kind of Love

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 1: Every Kind of Love

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Memories—Within Temptation

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Iruka's POV:

I couldn't concentrate today. Even in class, I found my mind slipping away into thoughts of the past. At times it got so bad, I would close my eyes to right myself and continue with class. The youngest kids in the class would squirm in their seats whenever I did this. I wanted to dismiss my lack of concentration as being burnt out and waiting for the end of the week. But I knew that was not the case. My mind kept on coming back to a memory that I used to constantly dwell on. I still kept the pants with grass stains to keep the memory alive. Sometimes, when I was alone, I'd pull them out of an old chest and hold them close, breathing in their dusty and earthy scent.

"Iruka-sensei!" I heard a voice call out. One that I knew very well. I turned around and waved happily to Naruto.

"Naruto. How was your mission?" I asked. Naruto was very dear to my heart. Together we formed some sort of spiritual bond since we're both clumsy orphans. I chuckled wryly at the thought.

"Bor-ring!" Naruto said. "Are you getting ramen?

I smiled. "Sure." We arrived at Ichiraku's Ramen Bar, which was usually crowded. I noticed a certain silver-haired jounin just finishing his bowl of ramen.

"Are you paying for yourself this time Naruto?" I asked, teasingly.

Naruto pulled out his frog wallet and counted the coins. "Yeah. This time I am." And I sighed thankfully. If Naruto could, he would drain me of all my money just by eating ramen.

We both ordered ramen and I saw Kakashi get up from his stool and approach us casually. "Hello Iruka-sensei."

I coughed out of surprise. It was rare that Kakashi ever talked to me and when he did it was always about Naruto's progress. But I doubt he'd give such a compliment with Naruto present.

"The mission went well." He said before walking away. I sighed. I wished he say more. Even make dreaded small talk.

"Iruka-sensei, you should've seen the guy I beat—hey, sensei. Are you listening?" Naruto tapped me on the head.

"I'm not feeling well now, Naruto." Inwardly, I smiled as I said, "Could you handle the bill?"

"I—what—me—whyyyy?!" Naruto whined as I made a mental note to pay him back in the morning.

I went back to my apartment and paced. I didn't know why I felt so anxious, especially about Kakashi sensei. He was at a much higher level than I was at and we weren't friends so he didn't have a need to talk to me. But I wished he would. I knew that Kakashi didn't really talk to anyone. He was usually reading his book with his long legs stretched out in front of him. I sighed.

As a child, I knew of Kakashi but I never got to really know him. I saw him around Konoha, usually with Obito or Rin. Sometimes I would even catch glances of him training in the forest.

//Flashback//

It was a bright sunny day; nonetheless I hugged myself tightly as I ran off into the woods alone. I could already feel the warm wetness of my tears against my cheeks. _I'm just not good enough. I'm not good enough to be a ninja. _I kept telling myself as I felt the _thump_ of my feet hitting the ground mimicking the beating of my heart.

But my thoughts were interrupted by tripping over a root. I didn't get up from the ground. I felt my chest heave against the cool dirt as I let out quiet sobs. But then, I head a rustling and immediately placed a hand over my mouth. I scooted closer, trying to stay hidden.

That's when I saw _him_. The jounin, Hatake Kakashi. He was only thirteen but he to me he was like seeing a humorless angel. His silvery hair blew slightly in the wind and his steely blue eyes were narrowed in concentration. The forest light seemed to play with his features making him seem to be a phantom. The way he moved in the air only furthered my fantasy. At first, I even thought he was an angel till I recognized his signature mask covering his features. His only imperfection, it seemed, were the pimples that grazed his forehead. But that didn't matter. Somehow I was comforted.

After a while Kakashi was breathing heavily, sweat formed on his forehead and his hair was slightly wet from the exertion. He lifted up his shirt—I made a little gasping noise—and wiped off his brow. Kakashi immediately looked up, hearing a noise.

"Obito?" Kakashi asked the air, dryly.

"Yes?" Obito came out, smiling. "Training again?"

"Yes." Kakashi said, gathering his kurenai and shuriken.

"You're not going to talk about it?" Obito said, raising an eyebrow.

"There's nothing to talk about." Kakashi said giving Obito a hard look, "And I said I was sorry."

"Did you know—?" Obito started to say, when Kakashi stopped him and nodded.

"Yondaime says we have a mission." Obito smiled and patted Kakashi on the back. I watched them exit, hoping I wasn't notice.

//End of Flashback//

Iruka closed his eyes and pulled the covers up around his neck. He needed to concentrate tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2: We Must Soldier On

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 2: We Have To Soldier On

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Dark Side of the Sun—Tori Amos

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but if I did, there would be yaoi all the time cackle

Kakashi's POV:

It wasn't raining yet. But I could see the dark gray clouds looming over Konoha. I held my palm out to the sky, hoping to feel some cool rain. It had been too hot these past few days and my outfit wasn't helping things. The sweat felt as if it were pooling on my skin. Sometimes I would be tempted to peel off my shirt….but I value my privacy.

My book, _Icha Icha Paradise_, was tucked safely away. Now was not the time to read it (though I was at the part where the hero is being stalked by five beautiful women…). I shook my head. Now was not the time to be concerned with my…ahem…literary habits.

I stood in front of the stone memorial that had Obito's name etched into it. I visited him everyday I could. I never told him enough….that he was the one who taught me to love.

//Flashback//

"Kakashi!" Obito came running. I knew his stubby legs were making awkward movements.

I didn't bother to turn around until Obito slung an arm around my neck; immediately, I stiffened against human contact, "Kakashi? Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"Hn." I mumbled emotionlessly. "I don't have time to talk now. I have to train."

"Train? Again? Every ninja needs a little break. Rin and I going to get ramen. Wanna come? Ichiraku says he's come up with a new recipe." Obito said quickly as he tried to drag me along with him. I didn't try to pull away at first until I realized he was going to be relentless.

Finally annoyed, I gripped Obito's wrist and shoved him against the wall. I felt a small stab in my heart as I did this. But I swallowed my feelings—a shinobi has no need for feelings. "I…need…to…train." I narrowed my eyes into two deadly slits, "Leave me alone."

Obito tried to hide his initial shock and laughed uncomfortably, "But…we're friends, Kakashi. And you need to eat, child genius or not."

Obito's good-nature and humor was a weak spot of mine; I gently let go of him. "Fine."

A slow but warm smile spread over Obito's face. It was like he was glowing from within. "C'mon. Rin is waiting for us." He took me by the hand. It was warm.

"I know the way." I protested as Obito jerked me around and gave me a toothy smile. I grumbled wordlessly.

Ichiraku's Ramen Bar looked different. Colorful streamers hung from the roof and everyone there—Rin, Ichiraku and Yondaime-sama—were wearing large grins. "No…" I said slowly.

"Happy 13th Birthday!" They all said in unison. I stepped back in embarrassment. I wasn't used to such kindness…even from friends. Was I too proud or too damaged to accept it.

"Did you think we would forget, Kashi-kun?" Yondaime said as he ruffled my hair. I looked up at him feigning annoyance but inside I wanted to happily laugh along with them.

Rin smiled gently. "I made you this." She held out a small clay statue that barely resembled our team. It was orange-colored and lumpy but nonetheless…it was a present. She blushed as I muttered, "thank you".

At the end of the party, Obito threw his arms around me, "You're my best friend. Don't ever forget that." I stiffened from shock but then my muscles relaxed and I gave the Uchida a manly shoulder-pat.

Again, I felt my muscles stiffen. My father's strict words against emotion echoed in my head. Deep inside, I wanted to tell him he was my best friend too. Instead I said, "I'm sorry."

//End of Flashback//

You are still my best friend. I just never told you enough. I bent down and lovingly touched the smooth gray stone and traced his name with the tip of my finger. Then I traced the names of Yondaime-sama, Rin and my parents. I never wanted to see another name of someone I held dear etched in that rock. But that was the shinobi way. Someday…I was sure of this…my name would be there too.

From time to time, I would see Umino Iruka here. He would place a few flowers or light a candle by the stone. He didn't cry. Like me, tears became undying respect. We both lost everything so quickly. It was like someone had pushed us off a cliff and we tried to cling to anything…even our own sorrow.

//Flashback…another//

My hand trembled slightly as I tried to throw the kurenai. As it left my hand I instinctively knew that it would miss the mark. Immediately, I threw another one. This one hit the target. Rin told me to start simply…with training. We were both shaken to core from both Obito and Yondaime's deaths. But, unlike Rin, I needed to be alone. I need to be distracted.

I threw a shuriken this time but my eyes were burning and watery with tears. I heard the weapon go off into the distance and hit a rock with a clang. My left eye, still raw from the makeshift transplant, felt as if it were searing into my skin each time I felt a tear. Without thinking, I clawed at it. I wanted to switch places with Obito….he was the one who should've lived! I tore at my mask, my scabs. With one painful shriek, I wanted to be released from all the pain—all this death.

I coughed, feeling the rawness of my throat. Heavy sobs wracked my body. I heard a rustling in the bushes. "Come on out." I said and instinctively a hand went to cover my face.

A young boy, three maybe four years younger than me, crawled out from under the bushes. The fronts of his pants were green from grass stains. His feet shuffled awkwardly and his eyes were read from crying. His brown hair was long but the most noticeable thing about him was the scar that passed over his face.

"What's your name, kid?" I asked, muffled.

"I…Ir…Iruka." He said, his voice also hoarse. "I'm sorry. I just come here….sometimes."

"You've watched me train before."

He looked up at me, blushed and immediately looked down at his feet. "Yes."

"You lost someone too."

Tears filled his eyes and he nodded.

I turned away from him and placed my mask back on. Before I left, I said, "I understand then."

//End of Flashback//

I smiled, the fabric of my mask sticking to my cheeks. Was it tears or sweat? Both were salty.

_Iruka. _I shook my head of the Chunin's face and began walking so I could meet my students. When I finally arrived, they were half asleep under a tree. I chuckled to myself, "Sorry. I had to feed my cat."

"LIAR!" Sakura and Naruto screamed, pointing at me. There was a rumbling overhead and I felt the coolness of the rain.

"You don't even have a cat." Sasuke mumbled under his breath.


	3. Chapter 3: The Strangest Feeling

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 3: The Strangest Feeling

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Why Does It Always Rain On Me—Travis

Author's Notes: Oh gosh. I'm so, so, so sorry for not updating. Thanks for your patience.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but if I did, there would be yaoi all the time cackle

Iruka's POV:

I always wondered if Kakashi-sensei enjoyed torturing me. A little trick that jounins play on pencil-pushing teachers such as myself. For the millionth time Kakashi's mission report was late. And not just late—three days late. Usually after school, I'd wait around for Kakashi to deliver his report but I didn't expect him to come.

The rain had not let up in Konoha for a couple of days now. The students came in soggy with mud speckling their clothes and they left with the sniffles. I was almost tempted to cancel class but that, of course, was not an option. On my way home, I bumped into Naruto who was grumbling about having to wash his clothes.

"Damn this rain." Naruto cursed. He was by far the muddiest child I had seen; he was covered from head to toe.

"Experimenting with camouflage?" I chuckled. Naruto gave me an exasperated stare. "Ok, c'mon. Let's get you warm." I put my hand on his shoulder and guided him to my small but cozy home.

I was proud of my home. Most ninjas didn't have time to make a home really look like a home but I did. I had little knick-knacks lying around. Pictures covered my fridge and walls. A couple of brightly colored throw pillows were placed on the lumpy couch. I even had a plant.

I went into the kitchen and began to make the tea. "Naruto-kun. I can wash your clothes. Just put them on the floor somewhere. I have some old shirts you can wear in my room, ok?" I hollered.

"Ok." Naruto hollered back. I smiled to myself. He was an odd kid with his definite character flaws but on the inside he was as good as they come.

Once the tea was hot enough, I poured the liquid into mugs and carried them into the living room. "Naruto-kun?" I didn't see him there. I knocked on the bathroom door but received no answer so I checked my bedroom. Naruto was curled up on the bed. He looked so gentle in his sleep. I smiled and put a blanket over him.

Minutes later, there was a knock at the door. When I opened it I saw a very wet Kakashi-sensei holding a drenched piece of paper. "Here." I took it and tried to make out the blurred blue ink. When I finally recognized it, I sighed—it was the mission report.

"Uh, th-thank you." I stuttered. Suddenly, for no reason at all, I became bold. "Would you like to come in for a minute? It's raining pretty hard right now."

"Sure." Kakashi stepped in and shut the door behind him. But he didn't move. He awkward shuffled his feet as water drips poured off of him.

"You could sit down." I offered.

"I prefer to stand."

"Oh." I sighed. "Tea, Kakashi-sensei?" He shook his head. This is awkward, I thought.

Kakashi pointed to the pile of muddy orange clothes. "You have Naruto here."

"Yeah. He's asleep. It must be the rain." I cringed. _It must be the rain?! _That must've sounded stupid. I tried to hide my blush and took a gulp of the hot tea.

"Careful." Kakashi-sensei said but it was too late. I felt the burning sensation on the roof of my mouth and down my throat. After I had gasped for air, Kakashi reached over as if he were going to touch me but stopped short. "You should suck on some ice." A few moments of tense silence passed. "Do you have a towel or something?"

"What?" I asked, surprised.

Kakashi twisted the hem of his shirt and water trickled out. "I'd kind of like to dry off."

I nodded and got him a towel. He toweled his hair and then removed his vest. I gulped. "I think I might have a cup of tea." Kakashi smiled.

"Sure thing." I handed him the other mug and we sipped together in silence. I'd love to lie and say my heart was calm but it felt as if a nest of baby birds had taken its place. A few hours later the rain finally stopped but it was dark outside. The world was an inky purple color—murky and mysterious in more ways than one.

"I can take Naruto home." Kakashi said. I led him into the bedroom and he scooped up the child into his arms. "He's very lucky to have someone like you."

I tried to not blush at the compliment. "Tell him. I'll give him his clothes tomorrow."

"Not many people love like you do." Kakashi continued.

"What do you mean?" I must've turned red.

Kakashi leaned in. I could feel his breath coming from his mask. His voice was a husky whisper. "You love so completely and selflessly….it's nice." But as soon as that was said, he left without a word.


	4. Chapter 4: Marvelous Things

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 4: Marvelous Things

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Marvelous Things—Eisley

Author's Notes: Please review::gets on hands and knees:: Also, Yukio is an OC and if you hate him…that's the point.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but am concocting a plan to take over Konoha. Bwahahaha!

Kakashi's POV:

I watched him from afar. The gentle, brown-haired ninja. I watched him bandage a child's ankle before picking her up and carrying her home. The look on his face was so understanding and nurturing. It was the end of another school day (I could tell). He had that look anyone who deals with kids has: the can't-wait-to-get-home look. I saw him glance in my direction and I shoved my nose back into my book.

"Kakashi-sensei!" He called and waved. I lifted up a hand tentatively in response. _Oh please don't come this way. _It was as if he heard my thoughts and walked over. "I heard you got back yesterday. By any chance, do you have your mission report?"

"Tomorrow?" I squeaked behind _Icha Icha._

He nodded. "Okay. Not wet this time. I want to be able to read it." I felt as if I was being scolded even if his voice was gentle. I groaned in response and watched him as he turned to walk away.

"Wait!" I called out and instantly regretted it. I didn't like being seen as vulnerable or needy. The gears of my mind worked quickly, coming up with a plan.

He turned around, his brow furrowed. "….Yeah?"

I mustered some confidence, "Like to go for a walk?"

"Well…"

"I need to talk about Naruto." It was a desperate attempt and I knew it would work. Iruka would do anything for Naruto; the concern in his eyes was proof enough.

"Alright." He said and together we started out for the woods. A quiet, secluded place full of memory. The sky had turned orange and was soon hidden by the tops of the trees.

"He's doing well." I began, my fingers fumbling together behind my back.

"Oh good." Iruka nodded and smiled. I smiled back. "But is that all Kakashi-sensei?" He seemed to suspect something, like a good ninja would. "We've never really talked. We don't really know each other. Is it—" His eyes widened. "A prank?!" I stepped back, surprised and waved my hands. "If this is a prank Kakashi-sensei, I'll….get you back!"

"No, no, no. It isn't….like that." I said.

"Then what?" He said, annoyed. "I don't see how it could be anything other than a prank. I used to pull pranks all the time. I _know _what I'm talking about."

"What if we got to know each other? You know, friends." I said cautiously. I hadn't had any real friends since Obito. Sure, I had comrades, colleagues, acquaintances and bedfellows but no real relationship that I truly valued. It wasn't that I didn't care; I just wanted to open up to the right person. What can I say? I'm picky.

"Friends?" Iruka raised an eyebrow and then grinned. "Ok. You know, most people don't ask to be friends…they usually _become _friends."

I shrugged. "I know." But I couldn't risk having Iruka become another acquaintance; I needed him to know that we are friends"I have a mission in a few days."

"I know." Iruka mumbled. "So we had to be friends…so you could say goodbye?" He sounded hurt.

"This isn't goodbye." I tried to clarify.

"It sounds like goodbye." The sun was gone and the night swallowed us. I wanted to somehow reach out to him and tell him that I wasn't going far. And that I would be back. But that is too intimate. That kind of reassurance is for lovers.

"Well it's not." I said. "I'm taking the team so you know it won't be too hard." I gave him my best smile and nodded weakly in response.

(A week later)

"Mission report!" I held it in front of his face and winked.

"It's early!" Iruka said, surprised.

"Noooo….it's on time!" I chirped happily.

"Wow." Iruka whistled.

"Care for a walk?" I said. I almost wanted to hold out my hand like the dashing hero always did in _Icha Icha. _

"I have so much wor—sure, let's go." He said and got up. Once we were alone he asked, "Why walks, Kakashi-sensei?"

I wanted to avoid that question. The answer may have been obvious but if he didn't know, then I wanted to keep it that way. "You don't have to call me sensei."

"How was your mission?" He asked.

"Fine. Sasuke and Naruto got into some kind of squabble. Like always." I shrugged.

"And I'm sure Sakura was pining after Sasuke?" Iruka chuckled. "They were hysterical when they were younger. Naruto was so clumsy—with everything! Sometimes he would bump into Sasuke and they'd either yell at each other or fight. Then one of them would come to me crying…."

"Wait. Sasuke cries?" I joked. I knew he did but it was funny to imagine him as a whiny child instead of a stoic.

"And the look Sakura has on her face when she gets and answer wrong. He eyes get wide, he cheeks get red and this little vein pops out in her forehead." Iruka giggled.

"You really do care for them." I said.

"Don't you?"

"Well, sure. But differently."

"Please explain." Iruka waited for my answer.

I wasn't used to telling my feelings to other people. Not even facial expressions. They were secrets that were held close to my heart. "Um, well, you see, uh….I'm their teacher." And then I realized how stupid that was. _Please don't get offended._

"So am I." He said slowly. "But you're a different kind of teacher so I guess I see your point."

I sighed in relief. I could tell he wasn't satisfied with the answer but he wasn't going to push. "Well at least there's no school tomorrow. I think I might take Naruto to the creek. I promised."

"Taking your work home with you?" I asked.

"No, no. I enjoy seeing my students. Sometimes I need the time alone. But there's no feeling like knowing you can make a difference in their lives. Especially with Naruto." He got this faraway look in his eyes.

"Why with him?"

"We're the same." He shrugged.

We walked in silence for a while. The sun was finally setting overhead. Instead of an orange sky it was a brilliant pink and yellow. Suddenly I heard slow footsteps behind us. I turned around.

"What's up?" I said. It was Sasuke. His hand were buried deep into his pockets and he looked frustrated.

"Tsunade-sama wants you. Both of you." He said.

Iruka nodded. "Let's not keep her waiting."

We hurried—but not too quickly—to her office. She was sitting at her desk looking prim and stern. "Glad you're here. You have a mission."

"Wait…both of us?" Iruka stammered. I could tell he hadn't been on one in a while.

"Yes, Iruka-sensei." Tsunade snapped. "If you haven't noticed…there's a limited amount of ninjas left. Many of the others are out on missions and so I've had to use genins and even…teachers."

"But what about my class?" He said.

"Shikamaru can take over for a couple of days." Tsunade said. "Kakashi-sensei, you're the team leader. This is a three-man team."

"Who's the third?" I asked.

"Me." A chunin with a self-important voice said. "I am Yukio."

I rolled my eyes. I had seen this guy around Konoha. He was a jerk. Too flirty and arrogant. Hooray. I glanced at Iruka who had the same look on his face.

"Your mission is to discover the whereabouts of Sayu." Tsunade said. "She's an ex-ninja of the Snow Village. She's gaining followers too. She has perfected a ninjutsu technique where she can reanimate dead tissue for a few minutes. The Snow Village wants you to report her location so only fight if you need to. We think she might be connected to Orochimaru in some way so try and get as much information as you can about her." Tsunade carried on. In my gut, I knew this would not be the easiest mission. Hopefully, Pakkun could just find the place and then it'll all be over and done with.

"We'll go tomorrow." I said solemnly.


	5. Chapter 5: No Soul To Sell

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 4: No Soul to Sell

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Closer—Nine Inch Nails

Author's Notes: I know this is in Kakashi's POV again but I did it for a reason. ALSO! This next chapter contains attempted rape. So…yeah…nothing too graphic.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but I can still dream.

Kakashi's POV:

We had traveled all day, jumping from branch to branch. I wasn't physically tired but I was exhausted from hearing Yukio talk. He had this deep, raspy voice which some women considered sexy. He was considered the town slut…he went from women to women (or man) and each of his conquests just fueled his ego. If I had to hear "smell my fingers" or "that tight ass" one more time, I'd kill him. I almost felt as if I never wanted to read _Icha Icha _again.

"We'll stop here for the night." I held up a hand as a signal. I heard Iruka sigh. I turned around to see him take down his hair from his ponytail. It fell on his shoulders in strings from sweat that had formed on his forehead.

Yukio ran his fingers through his black hair and looked at Iruka with his wolfish yellow eyes. I had seen that look on his face before and had the sudden urge to smack him but I didn't. Iruka's a big boy and can take care of himself, right?

"I didn't know they'd assign you to mission." Yukio began to say, trying to sound compassionate. "Hope you're prepared. Wouldn't want a pretty little like you getting hurt." He winked.

Iruka blushed. Oh no, was he falling for it? "I'm sure I won't." I rolled my eyes. I hoped they wouldn't talk all night. We needed our sleep. It was another two days till we reached the Snow Village. It was high up in the mountains. I had been there once. It was a small desolate village filled with withering wooden shacks and the people bundled themselves in rags. It was a failing village but nonetheless a proud one.

"Mmmm….it's cold out tonight. We didn't even bring blankets. Might have to keep each other warm tonight." Yukio continued to talk. I half-expected him to take off his shirt and strut like a peacock.

"I'm fine." Iruka squeaked and then shot me a look. I can't quite describe it. It was stern and soft at the same time like he was trying to will me to help him.

I pulled my forehead protector over my eyes and leaned back against a tree. "Yukio. Leave Iruka alone."

"You know you want to fuck him." Yukio said in a haughty voice.

"Yukio." Iruka said in a tense voice. "No one will be fucking me."

"I always get what I want, Iruka." Yukio said in a dangerous tone of voice. I would have to watch him closely.

The next night things did not improve. Yukio had been leering at Iruka all day. It had gotten much colder out near the mountains. Sometimes it would flurry but it was never much to worry about. But it was still cold. Iruka was now using his shirt collar to cover part of his face. Yukio however was braving the cold "like a real man" he would say.

It took me forever to light a fire because all the wood was damp. Iruka was rubbing his hands together, "At least we have a fire."

I grinned at him. I was glad he was with us. It was nice to have a friend, someone to care for. Someone to protect. "Just warm yourself, ok?"

Yukio was sitting by himself, licking his lips like a predator. His eyes had been on Iruka for quite some time and I could see that it was wearing him down. In the beginning he would roll his eyes and gently tell Yukio, "no" or "stop". But now, I could see his fists clench or his eyes close in attempt to block him out. If I were Iruka I'd have already knocked some sense into him. But at least he hadn't said much this night.

The third and last night was the worst. Trudging through snow had slowed us down. And our protective gear didn't do much against the blizzard-like snow and sharp winds. At least I didn't have to hear _him _talk. We stopped at sunset in a cave. "We'll be there tomorrow. I promise. Probably in a few hours after dawn."

Iruka looked at me and weakly smiled. There were circles under his eyes and his skin was red and chapped from the cold. It was impossible to find any dry firewood. And I couldn't suggest huddling together for warmth when Yukio would probably take advantage of the opportunity. Pervert.

At least Tsunade would hear about this.

By the time we reached the Snow Village we were weak and worn from the cold. Iruka was leaning on my shoulder. I think he took it the hardest. He was not prepared for a mission. He was too gentle for this.

"Stop looking at me as if I'm made of eggshells." He whispered in my ear as if he knew what I was thinking. I nodded and put a reassuring arm around his shoulder.

The Snow Village was worse than I remembered it. At least last time there was some pride in the villagers' eyes. Now there was just defeat. The leader, an old blind man whose skin was stretched and leathery, pulled me aside, "You see what Sayu has done to our town. Her own people! Those who do not join her die and then are used as her slaves. We are giving you all we have left to find her."

"Don't you want us to stop her?" Iruka asked, confused.

"No." The leader said harshly. "We want no more bloodshed. We just want her to leave our village alone." I couldn't help but think the leader was being a little soft on the individual who had brought them to their knees. "She's my daughter." He said quietly. Now I understood. To me this village was already dead. Nothing could resurrect it. Not even the dispatching of a rogue ninja could give them enough hope to begin again.

"We'll find her." Iruka reached out and took the hand of the leader. He squeezed it slightly before letting him go. Iruka, always the caretaker.

"Before we find her we'll need to rest. The journey has been difficult." Yukio said in a surprisingly humble voice but his eyes spoke a different message.

"We have prepared a place for you. Food is served in the community hall. You are welcome to join us and sit at our table." The leader said and we nodded and departed for our little shack.

It was sturdy and well-built but old. There was a small chimney and a fireplace. One corner was filled with dry firewood. There weren't beds but thin straw mats and heavy blankets for sleeping. It wasn't much space for three people but I wasn't about to complain. I've been in worse.

Around dinnertime, we walked over to the community hall, as they called it. It was the most elaborate building in the whole village. There were carvings and long wooden tables. It was also warm from the giant fireplace. People stood in lines with bowls that were soon filled with a gray liquid. Soup, I think, it was called.

When Yukio tasted it he almost spat it back out. "What the fuck is this?" He whispered angrily at us.

"C'mon Yukio. It's not so bad. Sure, it's not ramen but it's better than soldier pills." Iruka said tentatively taking a sip. I could see him try to swallow it down. "It's very salty. Too salty."

"It's the nettles." A little girl that sat nearby said to us. "All that grows this time of year is nettles. Then there's the salted pig fat and dried medicinal herbs. You get used to the taste after a while."

I shrugged and tried sipping the soup. Yes, it was too salty to taste but my stomach didn't care. I hadn't eaten anything substantial in three days. After the first five or six slurps, I greedily gulped at the soup. The others were too busy doing the same to notice my mask-free face, hehe.

That night, it was hard to sleep. I slept between Yukio and Iruka. Yukio snored and Iruka tossed and turned. I couldn't wait to go back to Konoha.

The next day I summoned Pakkun, "Can you find Sayu's hiding place. This is her shirt." I held it in front of his nose.

"Sure, Kakashi." Pakkun looked at me with his droopy but fierce eyes. "You don't look so well."

"I'm just tired. Come back here with coordinates and then we'll check it out quickly, ok?" I patted him on the head and started walking back to the shack. Something inside was not right, though. I felt it.

I walked quicker back to the shack and heard whimpering nearby. A child, maybe? I followed the noise and could not control the hammering in my chest. When I turned the corner I saw Iruka and Yukio. Iruka was pinned against the wall and his legs seemed to want to crumble beneath him. His shirt was torn and his pants were around his ankles. There were some wounds made by a kunai and he had a black eye. Yukio was tightly grasping Iruka's wrists with one hand and his other hand was frantically trying to remove his own pants. The only wound I could see on Yukio was a bloody lip.

I moved quicker than it took to register shock. I knocked Yukio away and turned to Iruka who was vomiting in the snow. "Are you alright?" I asked and then realized how could he be alright. I wanted to touch him, comfort him but was afraid he would be hurt even further. Instead, I turned my attentions to Yukio. "You'll never be a ninja again after this. Trying to hurt a team member? I'm sure this isn't the first time." I couldn't bring myself to say "rape".

Yukio stared at me in defiance with his narrow yellow eyes. With one blow to the head, I knocked him out and had him chained in the community hall. I hoped chains would be enough to hold him.

When I got back to Iruka, he was still lying in the snow. I lightly brushed his skin with my fingertips. Cold but alive. I picked him up and carried him into our little shack, "Kashi…..?" I heard him say weakly.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm here." I said and put a warm cloth on his forehead and tried to get him warm. While he slept I checked his injuries. Nothing too serious. I bandaged the visible wounds—none of the cuts were very deep just bloody. He had a broken rib and some other newly formed bruises. I took his shirt off and started to sew it back together. We didn't have much extra supplies; ninjas always travel light.

I didn't sleep near him. I felt afraid of myself like I would make it worse. In the middle of the night, though, I found him tugging at my pants leg. "Yes?" I said.

He forced a smile. His features were tinted with sadness and shame, "Stop….stop looking at me as if I were made out of eggshells."


	6. Chapter 6: Violence Causes Silence

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 5: Violence Causes Silence

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Zombie—The Cranberries

Author's Notes: Yes, I was so mean to do that to Iruka. Flame me if you want….I feel so bad about it. But, hopefully, it'll bring the two of them closer. Don't worry it'll turn out all right in the end, I promise. We're in for some heavy-handed drama (gulp!). So many reviews! I feel so loved!!! Also, I am not good at writing fight scenes (however, writing ones for _Loveless _are so much easier) so I've cut it short.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but I can still dream.

Iruka's POV:

"It's not your fault." I said to Kakashi. He just looked so broken. "Hey, look at me." I said gently and he did. "We're still friends, ok? Just please…." My voice trailed off and I touched my throat. It must be flaring with bruises.

"I shouldn't have left you alone with him." Kakashi breathed into my hair.

"Nothing happened." I said sternly, more for my benefit than his. I wanted to forget the whole thing. Now was not the time to fall apart, not during a mission. Kakashi looked at me with gentle suspicion. A few minutes later Kakashi had fallen asleep in the corner and he looked uncomfortable. He had scrunched up into a fetal position with his chin touching his chest.

I, however, couldn't sleep. I keep picturing the whole scene…

//Flashback//

Yukio tapped me on the shoulder, with a smile on his face. "Iruka, can I talk to you for a few moments? You know, before Kakashi gets back. I don't want him to know." He motioned for me to come outside. It was slightly warmer than the day before, meaning the sun was shining than the perpetual snow clouds that swirled around the village.

I followed him, "What is it, Yukio? We need to prepare for our mission."

"Oh Iruka. Still the amateur." Yukio smiled wolfishly. He leaned in. "Are you an amateur in everything?" His yellow eyes trailed down.

"W-what?" I stammered trying to back away.

"I see…you're still innocent." His hands shot out like lightning and pinned me against the wall. I tried to cry out but he mashed his thin lips against mine. I cringed and bit down…hard. He recoiled. "You bitch!" His wiped the blood away from his lip and glanced at it, "Well at least you have some life."

I felt his cold hands pressing against my throat. I couldn't breathe. Purple spots appeared before my eyes. _I'm stronger than this_. But it felt as if my power was slowly draining away. Nonetheless, I struggled against his grip but it wasn't enough. Finally he let go, leaving me gasping He pulled out a kunai and put it under my chin. "I don't want to use this. But you're making it so _difficult._"

He raised an eyebrow and moved the kunai down. Slicing my shirt and my skin. I gasped in pain. "No…please…stop." I pleaded.

"I hate it when they beg!" He whispered angrily in my ear. He pressed down on the kunai harder. At first the cut felt cold with pain but then I felt the warmth of the blood making rivers across my stomach. I gritted my teeth. I couldn't let him see my pain. One hand pinned my arms above my head while the other worked on moving my pants just low enough.

"You know what's coming, right…? Even your body knows." I turned away, wanting to disappear as he touched….

He hands moved away from me and he reached for his own pants. "Don't worry. It'll all be over soon."

In the corner of my eye I saw Kakashi running towards us and he knocked Yukio away. I sunk to my and threw up. I glanced at Kakashi, feeling so ashamed. He must've thought I was so weak. That I couldn't even fend off another chunin. Again, I felt like a failure. An outcast.

"Are….are you alright?" He asked, his eyes showing concern. I tried to mouth words but I couldn't. He raised a hand to touch me…to comfort me but I flinched slightly.

Kakashi then turned around. "Bastard! I'm going to fucking kill you." He raised a hand…this time to hurt. "Hurting another team member. This isn't the first time, is it?" With one hit, Yukio was out cold.

_It's over it's finally over_…I felt myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Suddenly coldness…it must be the snow. "Oh Iruka. It's my fault." I heard someone whisper as the brushed the hair off my face.

Warm hands scooped me up. I slowly opened my eyes, "Kashi…?" My head fell against his chest and I felt a heartbeat. Steady so unlike my own.

"…I've got you now…"

//End of Flashback//

"It's not your fault, you know." Kakashi said. The light of day peered in through the small window.

"I know." I wished I believed those words. "We have a mission, right? What are you going to do with…?"

"Yukio?" Kakashi asked and I nodded. "He's staying here until we come back. Pakkun should be back any minute. Then we'll head out quickly."

"Do you think…?" I began to say but was too embarrassed to ask.

"He, Yukio, has the ability to drain and store chakra. That's probably why you couldn't fight him. I don't doubt your abilities." He said tonelessly. I wanted to scream, _What abilities? _Kakashi, however, continued to talk. "We just have to gather some information about Sayu's hideout and that's all.

"I know." I said looking down at the ground. My hand moved to my chest to feel the bandages. More scars. Fitting for a ninja. I felt as if I were fading away.

A hand grasped my own. Kakashi. "Don't…you don't want to hurt anymore." He looked embarrassed and turned away.

Hours later, we were following Pakkun's coordinates to Sayu's hideout. Some villagers had given us scarfs and thicker gloves. It was beginning to snow again, making it too slippery to jump from branch to branch. We ended up trudging on the ground. My feet were beginning to feel numb.

"Someone's here." Kakashi spun around looking in all directions. I pulled out a kunai and gripped it, waiting.

"Hatake Kakashi. The copy ninja. Pleased to meet you." A pale girl, about my age jumped down from a tree branch and bowed. Her hair was long and white and her eyes were a gray color. She wore a white fur-lined outfit. It she hadn't been moving it would appear as if she were part of the snow too. "I am Sayu. Been looking for me?"

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "We don't want to fight. We just came to scout."

"Oh really?" She tossed her head back and cackled. "My village wants me dead."

"With good reason." Kakashi said.

"I am not a killer." She smiled. "I am a revolutionary. I am trying to bring life back into the village and make it great. To do that, I have to get rid of the old."

"That means killing innocent people?" I cried out. I couldn't understand someone who would kill for power…or for any reason.

"You better gag your little friend there before I get angry." She grinned like a crazy woman. "Die."

Out of the woods, ghostly white dead people ran towards us mixed with living ninjas also dressed in white. There were about twenty five in all. "Damn it." I said under my breath.

"Whatever happens, Iruka—" He didn't finish what he was saying because a ninja had engaged with him.

"Attack the gray-haired one. He is stronger than his injured friend." She stood by and watched. I'm sure she'd engage once Kakashi was free.

I focused on helping Kakashi. But, in truth, I doubted myself. I couldn't…not now. I threw shurikens at the dead, stunning them for a moment. Then two ninjas came after me.

"Who are you?" One said. He was young, maybe a year older than Naruto and he had blue hair.

"Yes we want to know who we are fighting." The other one said. He had red hair.

"Umino Iruka." I gritting my teeth and engaged in fighting.

"Ooh look, Goro, he's hurt." The redhead said before hitting me in the stomach. I felt the cuts begin to bleed again. I tried to regain my footing.

I tossed a kurenai, hitting Goro in the shoulder. "Damn you!" He pulled it out with a cry.

"Die, Umino Iruka." The redhead said, forming seals with his hands sending razor sharp ice particles my way. I tried to dodge but I couldn't avoid all of them.

The battle seemed to last for hours, leaving me on my knees but still fighting. It was hard to react, after losing a lot of blood but not enough to die. The snow around us had turned red. So much bloodshed.

"Stop!" Sayu called out as if she were a referee. Immediately the dead and the ninjas stopped. The dead, however, fell to the ground lifeless. "You fight well Hatake Kakashi." She bowed again. I looked at Kakashi, who looked as if he could carry on but I knew better. We were both at the end of our strength—or very close. "Maybe we could play next time, ok?" She then disappeared into the woods.

Kakashi gripped his arm and sank into the snow. "Kakashi!" I cried out. "How bad is it?"

"Not too bad." I checked pulled back the ripped fabric to get a better look. The flesh was a violent purple color. Poison. "One of the little bastards got me."

"Any other injuries?" I asked.

"Only those you can see." Kakashi gritted his teeth. He was covered in cuts and bruises. Only one looked serious. It was in his side. A deep bleeding wound. I used my scarf to create a makeshift bandage and applied pressure.

"Oh Kakashi." Tears appeared in my eyes…I couldn't help it.

"What about you?" He asked.

"Not too bad. Just some small wounds." I said, touching my chest. The blood was seeping through my clothes.

"Iruka…I think I'm going to pass out." He swooned and I cradled him gently.

"It's okay." I said. "We'll get out of this. You've been through worse right?"

"Yeah." He grunted. When he could finally walk—it was really more like stumbling—we made our way back. Our footprints had been covered in snow but I was a ninja. I wasn't about to get lost.

I gripped Kakashi's waist. Instead of focusing on my own pain, I focused on survival. "Stay with me Kakashi."

"It's…it's the p-p-poison." He gasped. "Iruka…"

"No!" I held him closer. "No. You don't do this to friends. You don't give up on people you care about! I care about you! Stay with me!" I cried. Little snowflakes fell around us. This was supposed to be an easy mission. Why had it gone so wrong?"

"Yo." I heard a voice. It was small and light…almost like the wind. "Hurt, are you?"

"Wh-what?" I whispered.

"I said are you hurt?" It was closer this time. I narrowed my eyes. If I needed to fight, I would. A figure appeared not too far away from us.

"Whoa there, buddy. I'm not here to hurt you." It was a young man, in his late twenties with dark hair and bright eyes. He was smoking a cigarette. "Hmm….it looks bad."

"Who are you?" I said angrily.

"Aiko." He shrugged. "A healer. Come. Quickly. Let's see the damage." Reluctantly, I let him help me take Kakashi to his small home. There, I prayed for Kakashi's life.


	7. Chapter 7: Right Beside You

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 7: Right Beside You

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Run—Snow Patrol

Author's Notes: I hope you like this chapter….I think it jumps all over the place, honestly. Thank you so much for all the reviews. They're really great. Oh and Senna-chan, it was intentional for the lines to be different. You see, it's from different points of view and some, especially in the heat of the moment, remember it differently. Hope that helps!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but I can still dream. But Aiko is mine. Bwahaha!

Iruka's POV:

"Should a healer be smoking?" I asked with some disdain.

Aiko eyes widened and he chuckled. "Want me to put it out?" He dropped it on the ground and stepped on it. Kakashi was lying down on a hard wooden table. To be honest, I was really reluctant to let anyone touch Kakashi but I was no medical ninja. I had no idea what else to do. "Mm-kay. I see." He muttered to himself as he looked at the dangerous wounds.

"He's poisoned." I said, hoping to help.

"I see that." He tapped his chin nervously. "You met Sayu?"

"Huh?" I was slightly shocked at first. "Uh…yeah."

"Then no worries!" Aiko clapped his hands happily. "Sayu only uses two poisons. Both are non lethal. One is to torture victims and the other is to weaken them. Seeing he's not screaming in pain…it must be the latter. You see, it slowly lowers the body temperature of the victim, making him move slower and react slower. It can be lethal though in this kind of weather….so the first priority it to get him warm." He stood up. "I put hot water in the tub. You undress him and…." He turned around, opened a cabinet and looked through it. When he found what he was looking for he handed it to me. "Put this on his wounds. Acts like a temporary bandage."

It was a bowl of vile smelling green paste. Aiko was already up, boiling water and pulling out herbs and other pastes. I finally turned my attentions to Kakashi. "Hey…hey can you hear me?"

He didn't move. I bit my bottom lip. I don't know if I was scared that Kakashi would die or too nervous to remove his clothes. But it had to be done. I was quick and careful about it. The last thing I had to remove now…was his mask. I reached for it but a cold hand stopped me. "…Ruka…don't…" He said in a pained voice. I nodded and began to spread the past over his wounds.

"Done?" Aiko grinned at me. "Oh, you're all red." I glared at him. This Aiko was too happy-go-lucky for his own good. Together, we worked on moving Kakashi into the tub. Kakashi barely moved, too weak. "Okay, I can sit with him and you can take care of yourself." He handed me a sponge and a basin filled with warm water. "I take it you want privacy. There's a room that way."

I undressed myself in front of the mirror. I didn't even look like Iruka. My bruises had become a dark purple and part of my jaw had swollen. The cuts were infected. I was a mess. I dipped the sponge in the basin and began to wash off the dried blood and dirt. When I was close to finishing, I heard a knocking on the door and immediately covered myself up, "Y-y-yes?"

"I just wanted to say there are clothes on the bed. They're warm and clean." I glanced at the folded outfit—a pair of pajamas. It was a light green and made of smooth, soft material. After putting it on, I was thankful to finally have some fresh clothes. "Thank you, Aiko-san." I whispered quietly.

Hours later, Aiko said to me while bandaging my wounds (and stitching a few…), "Get some sleep after this. You two can have the bed; I'll sleep on the couch."

"No. No. We're intruding…it wouldn't be right." I said quickly, blushing.

"Ah, Iruka-san. You are my guests and I will treat you as such." Aiko grinned. "Kakashi's already asleep. He should be much better tomorrow since I'm a super fantastic healer!" He laughed some more.

"How is he, really?" I asked.

"The poison was easy to deal with once I warmed him up. The antidote is a simple plant. Then I just bandaged him up, dressed him. He was even well enough to drink some tea." Aiko patted me on the head and went into the kitchen. "You want some food. I'm sure you haven't had much to eat…other than soldier pills and that goop they serve at the Snow Village." He sighed, suddenly grave. "That soup doesn't contain any nutrients so people get sick and sometimes die in the winter. But the people of the Snow Village accept it as a part of life." His smile returned once again and he handed me a cup of tea and a bowl filled with stew.

"Thank you." I whispered and ate in silence. To tell the truth I was exhausted and I felt myself dozing off mid-meal.

When I awoke I was in a bed with a heavy blanket over me. Opening my eyes slowly, I looked over and saw Kakashi next to me, still sleeping. He looked so….precious in his sleep even with his mask on. Like a hidden jewel or a fragile piece of art. Without thinking, I reached over and traced his jaw line with my finger.

"What are you doing Iruka?" His eyes flashed open and he stared at me but not in a mean way, he just seemed curious.

I blushed and rolled over, "I just wanted to see if you were alright."

"I am feeling better." He said. "What about you?"

"Oh much better." I smiled and got out of bed…a little too quickly. I felt my head swim and my knees buckled and ended up right back on the bed. With my head in Kakashi's lap. "Sorry. Sorry. Sorry" I said, blushing—thankfully, the room was darkened.

He said slowly, in that I-don't-much-care voice of his, "Oh, yeah." There was a long pause. "You should be more careful."

That night I sat outside with Aiko. He was lazily smoking another cigarette. His blue-black hair was pinned back and for once he actually looked stern. Kakashi was asleep again but I was glad to see him heal. Aiko inhaled deeply, "Do you love him?"

I jumped at the question, "What? Yes. I don't know. I mean, how do you know?" I blushed and looked at my feet but Aiko remained passive and unsurprised.

"You have that look in your eye." He blew out a puff of smoke. "You should tell him, even if he doesn't feel the same. True love only happens once." He paused. "I was in love, once, when I was seventeen. His name was Haru." Aiko looked away. "He died."

"I-I'm sorry." I had no idea what else to say.

Aiko brightened up, "It's okay. He was Sayu's older brother though. When he died, a part of her died too. That's when she left to learn from Orochimaru." Aiko got up and began to head back inside the house, "You should tell Kakashi." My eyes widened with this new realization. I pitied Sayu….even if she tried to kill Kakashi. Aiko must work very hard to push past all that sadness….I know how that is. I know.

I went back inside and saw Aiko sorting through his herbs and medicines. His back was turned to me but I could still see his shoulders shaking. I headed back to the little room that Kakashi was sleeping in. I crawled under the covers and sighed.

I awoke a few hours later with an uncomfortable pressure on my chest and bright lights in my eyes. "Ugh…." I groaned. What was on my chest…?

"Good morning." Kakashi said sleepily, looking at me.

"Um, um—g-g-good morning!" Since when did I develop a stutter? I tried my best not to blush.

"We should start heading back to Konoha in a few hours." He grinned and I slowly started to smile back.

The door opened. "Talking about leaving already?" Aiko smiled. "You should leave soon then…the weather's very nice for traveling. I also washed and mended your clothes."

"Aiko. We have no way to repay you for all that you've done." I lowered my head in thanks. He didn't say anything in response, just smiled. We left a few hours later, Aiko waved to us goodbye.

…Naruto….is this how you feel…when you make a friend…?


	8. Chapter 8: Dig Up My Sorrows

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 8: Dig Up My Sorrows

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Angels Fall First—Nightwish

Author's Notes: Thanks again for all the reviews. I worked hard on this chapter. Kakashi and Iruka just keep on getting closer together! Kakairu forever!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but I can still dream.

Kakashi's POV:

The brightness of the sun only made the world whiter. It was like a fresh piece of paper ready to be written on with our footprints. Iruka was looking better, physically and emotionally despite Yukio traveling with us—completely secured with a rope). Yes, there were times he'd flinch or grow uncomfortably quiet but most of the time he was bright and kind. Hopefully, his demeanor would continue; it was only the first day of traveling. But I couldn't help but wonder if he was faking his smile…to make me feel better.

It would take two extras days to get back to Konoha due to our injuries and dragging Yukio along on the chain. Sometimes, he would be difficult and struggle against the pull but I would just yank right back. Childish….but it felt good anyway.

"You don't have to do it so rough, Kakashi." Yukio spat at me, his eyes flashing red. "Why don't you let your poor Iruka hold onto the rope? I'm sure he'd _love _to torture me. Can't let you have all the fun" He licked his lips as he glanced at Iruka. "Was that a blush, Iruka? I knew you liked it."

"Keep on talking, Yukio…we can just gag you." I said in an unfazed voice. I didn't want him to get any footholds…it was best to remain stone.

"Bondage? Like it rough, huh?" I stopped and shoved a lump of fabric in his mouth and then tied what was left of my scarf around his mouth. Just before I had done it…he said something that like a threat, "I always get what I want."

That night, it was colder than it had usually been. When I wasn't rubbing my hands together, I was keeping an eye on Yukio. He sat by himself, tied to a tree, glaring at me. Sometimes he'd doze off for a few minutes. I wasn't about to let him get loose enough to come after Iruka.

Iruka, on the other hand, was leaning against me. For warmth, I assumed. Or perhaps he had grown accustomed to my presence. After all, we did share a bed at Aiko's home. Something fluttered in me when I thought about it. I couldn't describe the feelings I felt for him…they were like tendrils of smoke. Touch them and they disappear.

Night was also a time when I'd give Yukio a couple bites of bread to eat. I hated to do it, but I wasn't inhumane. I gently scooted away from Iruka's warmth and walked over to Yukio and took off the gag.

"Are you lovers now, Kakashi? Jealous that you're having my sloppy seconds." He taunted me.

"Do you want to eat?" I asked, squeezing my fists hard till I felt pinpricks of blood on my palms. I couldn't let him get to me. Not on the first night.

He didn't answer me at first. "You don't want to feed me. You want to hear how he felt under my hands. How soft his skin is. What he tastes like……did I hit a nerve?" Without a word, I placed the gag back in but I was so angry I felt myself trembling.

I sat next to Iruka again and put an arm around him to pull him close. "Are you cold, Kakashi? You're shaking." Iruka said, half-asleep.

"Just a little cold." I said and he moved in closer. Before long his breathing became long and slow and he was deep asleep. _Dream, Iruka, this world is too harsh for people like you._

The next day it started to snow again. It fell down in heavy drops that melted on our faces. It was harder to walk in the new snow since it was building up; it was now up to our calves. We trudged together with Yukio falling behind. But I didn't mind. This way I could talk to Iruka.

"What do you do when you're not teaching?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

"Kakashi, I think we're past small talk in our friendship. Just say what's on your mind." He said but it hit me like a blow.

"Are you okay? Really. Nightmares…anything like that?" I asked.

"No nightmares. And as long as I'm occupied, I'm fine. Really." He looked at me and I knew it was the truth. It was in his eyes. "I don't know what I'm going to do though, when I try to go back to the way things were. I'm sure over time; it'll get better, right?"

I nodded, trying to be supportive. But I never believed the saying "time heals all wounds". With time, those wounds become scars and scars stay forever.

"Tell me what you're thinking." Iruka said.

"I think you're right." I said.

"Liar." Iruka said and a warm, true smile spread across his face.

That smile warmed me more than any fire could at that moment. It was like warm honey filled my veins and for the first time my carefully guarded emotions let down their guard. _I love you. _The thought went away so quickly, I thought it was my imagination.

"Alright, keep your secrets." Iruka said. "But I'm not as private as you." He paused. "I'm really lucky to have you as a friend."

"Oh. Yeah. Same here." I said absentmindedly as I tried to bury thoughts of love. Every word he said made it more difficult to do so.

The trip felt as if it could take forever. Once we were off the side of the mountain, it was easier to get to Konoha. We didn't have to wade through slush or freeze or asses off. But by the end of the fifth day Konoha was in sight. I was not at my limit when we reached the city walls but my mind was exhausted.

One of the guards eyed me when they saw that I had Yukio, a comrade, tied up. I stopped and said, "Guard him. We have to see the Hokage." I did not want to drag that bastard through the village and earn scornful and nosy looks from people. "He tried to hurt a team member, which compromised the mission."

The ninja nodded. "I will alert a prison guard."

Iruka and I headed for Tsunade-sama, now. I could tell he was nervous about telling someone about what happened. We reached her office and saw Naruto standing on her desk, complaining. "I do not want to look for that lady's cat again. It's her own damn fault for losing it. I'm a _ninja. _Ninja's don't look for cats."

Tsunade was rubbing her temples in a desperate attempt to get rid of a headache. "Naruto. If you don't leave, you'll end up cleaning all the public toilets in Konoha as a mission!" She screamed.

Iruka tried a different approach. "Listen to her, Naruto. She deserves your respect." Naruto turned around and lit up.

"Iruka-sensei!" He said joyously. "You and me are getting ramen tonight, okay? Okay?" He bounced up and down waiting for an answer.

"Sure." He ruffled Naruto's hair before he left.

"I see you two are back." Tsunade poured herself some sake. "You don't need to tell me about the mission. I can read about it in your report."

"But there's something we need to tell you now." I said respectfully. She raised an eyebrow. "Yukio tried to rape Iruka-sensei. I don't think this is the first time."

"Thank you for telling me this. I have a guard watch him. We'll question him and see if he's done it before. But I don't think we'll get much of a result, if you ask me." She said and went back to signing and reading papers.

When we left the office, Iruka sighed, "Thank you. I didn't want to have to say it."

"Well, I'll go file the report. You don't have to tell your side of the story, I think. I'll just say what I saw." I said, knowing that this was a private issue.

"Again, thank you." Iruka bowed slightly and left. I watched him go and my heart ached when he was out of sight.

It had been about three days since I got back to Konoha. It was nice to be back in my own bed with the familiar smells of dust and cup ramen. I opened a window to air out the place. It was cold outside; the air was thin but it much warmer than being on a mountain side.

I was about to get in bed when I heard a quiet knock on the door. I sighed. If it was Gai with one of his attempts to beat me because I'm his eternal rival…well I'd let him have it.

I opened the door and let out an annoyed, "What?"

"Oh. I-I'm sorry." Iruka looked at me with red-rimmed eyes. His hands were shaking so bad; that's when I noticed that he was covered in blood.

"Iru—What happened?" I said and brought him inside. "Are you hurt at all?"

"N-no….no…." His bottom lip trembled. "It's not my blood."

"Then what happened?" I asked and guided him into the bathroom where he could wash his hands.

"Yukio." He said flatly. I bit the insides of my cheeks to control the sudden build of anger. "I-I-I killed him." Sobs wracked his small frame violently. He stood almost limp as tears ran down his face.

I went over to him and held him tightly. He buried his face in my chest and I felt his body shake. We were so close I could feel his ribcage move. "It's okay. It's okay." I kept on repeating quietly.

"Do you think I could stay here….tonight? I don't want to be by myself." Iruka said between the sobs.

"Yeah." I said and I got a washcloth from the shelf and soaked it in warm water. I started to wipe the blood off his face, his hands.

He stared off into nothingness, "You're covered in blood too."

"I'll take a shower….after you." I said and left to give him some privacy. Once we were both blood-free and clothed. I put Iruka in my bed. He was like a corpse himself…pale and cold. I didn't know if it was the first person he's killed. Most ninjas try to ignore that but Iruka's world is built around his emotions. It's no wonder he reacted this way.

He wasn't asleep. His eyes just stared blankly at mine. "Do you…do you think you can stay with me?" I nodded and eased my way under the covers. My thoughts were on Yukio. What the hell did he do to Iruka before his death?

Once Iruka fell asleep, he began to toss and turn as if he were running away from something. I stopped him and held him in my arms tightly, "Shhh…Iruka. I've got you. No one can hurt you now." I felt his heart slow and he relaxed against me. I held him there until I saw the first rays of morning.

I didn't want to wake him but my arm had fallen asleep and more importantly, we need to tell someone about the dead body. I stroked Iruka's cheek with my free hand and whispered, "Iruka, it's morning. Time to wake up."

"Huh?" He said sleepily and then blushed (so cute) when he realized where he was. "Kakashi. Oh dear. God, I'm sorry." He tried to untangle himself from my arms but I held him firmly with a playful smile tugging at my lips. "I…I have to pee."

"Hold it." I chuckled. He blushed an even fiercer red.

"Kakashi…this is….this is…" He was struggling to find the correct word.

"This is…what?" I said.

"Unethical?" He tried, unsure.

"Nice try, sleepyhead." I said and let him go.

He sat up and looked for his own clothes which I had thrown into a pile on the floor. "These are unwearable." He sighed. "I forgot how much blood there was." He suddenly turned serious, "I should go now."

"I'm going with you." And I didn't take "no" for an answer.

When we reached Tsunade's office, she wasn't even up so we had Shizune wake her up. Not a good idea. Tsunade-sama is usually a very pretty woman but in the wee hours of the morning you can see the reason why Naruto calls her "granny". "What…is…it?" She said in a dangerous tone.

"Yukio is dead, Hokage-sama." He blurted out even though I could tell that the words were difficult for him to say. "I killed him."

At first she looked shocked but then her expression softened. "I heard that he rendered the guard unconscious." She said rubbing her eyes and taking a big swig of tea. "I had two ninjas look for him last night…outside of Konoha. I never thought he'd go to your home." Iruka sunk with guilt. She continued to talk, "So what happened?"

Iruka bit his lip and wrung his hands. "Well, I was about to go to sleep when he came in through the window. He said he needed to finish….finish what he started. He said he always gets…got what he wanted. And then he tried but I reached for a kunai and…..stabbed….stabbed him."

Tsunade took another sip of her tea. "Well, then. It was self-defense. You can _both _go. Though, I don't understand why you're here Kakashi…it's not like you were there, were you?"

I shook my head and turned to leave. "That's all I get….for taking a life?"

"It makes sense that he'd go after you again. I'm surprised I didn't think of it before." She groaned. "I'm going back to bed."

"But Tsunade-sama…what about all the paperwork?" Shizune asked.

"Ugh. Later. It is six o'clock in the morning. Half the village is still sleeping!" Tsunade protested and I took that as our cue to leave.

I walked with him slowly. "What did he _try _to do?" I narrowed my eyes, searching his.

"Just picked up where he left off, I guess." Iruka shrugged, trying to play dumb. It was probably a trick he picked up from one of his students.

"I'm serious, dammit." My voice came out harsher than I intended and he flinched. "Oh, Iruka, I'm sorry." I reached out for him and this time he didn't shrink away.

"We have the strangest friendship." He began to say. "I don't even know that much about you. God…I don't even know what you _look _like. And yet…." He paused, his hand shaking as it reached for my face. He took his thumb and lightly brushed it against the fabric that covered my lips. I closed my eyes and felt as if my skin was hot and cold at the same time. "And yet I feel as if my soul knows you" He retracted his hand quickly and blushed at his own boldness.

I understood and embraced him gently. "I won't push. Just tell me when you're ready." I couldn't fight the thought that had been nagging at me for days now…_I love you, Iruka. I love you but I don't know how to tell you._

He sank into the hug that alone gave me hope that he felt the same way. "No…no…I am ready…to tell you. Just not here."

We walked to a secluded area near the woods. It was chilly out that morning so we sat close to each other. I waited for him to ready himself…to tell me. Several minute passed by. Finally he started, "He was unreal. Like some kind of animal. He just…" Iruka bit his lip. "…pushed me to the ground and then was on top of me. I could barely think….I couldn't get last time out of my head. But then—it was probably just instinct. I took the kunai in my hand and stabbed him in the side. And then again. He just stiffened…and there was so, so much blood." The tears came again and he fought hard to keep them at bay. "I didn't mean….I didn't mean…." He covered his mouth and began to sob again. I knew he was trying to say "to kill him".

I put an arm around him and rocked him back and forth until he stopped crying. He looked at me with a tear-streaked face. "When did you get so damn nurturing?"

I smiled. "You must be rubbing off on me." _We do have the strangest friendship_, I thought. But I wasn't so sure I could maintain this friendship much longer without being ripped apart by my own feelings. But I had to do it. For Iruka.


	9. Chapter 9: I Miss You

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 9: I Miss You

Music: Imaginary Love—Rufus Wainwright and Warning Sign—Coldplay

Author's Notes: Nine chapters…I feel so accomplished! Sorry it's taken a little longer to update. I was on an awful vacation but now I'm back. I tried to make this extra long. Hooray! But all the reviews! You readers sure know how to make a writer feel warm and fuzzy. Thanks so much! Also the lyrics for the Coldplay song seem to really apply.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but everyone knows that.

Iruka's POV:

I am a clingy sort of person. Not that I'm some sort of leech or vampire but I have this need to lean on people for whatever reason. To connect. But this was the first time I felt guilty and unsure about one of my "connections". When I befriended Naruto, the connection was easy and instantaneous. I understood him. But now…with Kakashi, things were different and so very unclear.

I am not usually one to initiate touch (hugs and the like)...since most ninjas aren't touchy-feely. But Kakashi would plop down next to me, put his head on my shoulder and sigh with contentment. I am not used to that—in more ways than one. But I didn't find his touches threatening at all. In fact, they were nice and comforting.

And then it happened. I became worse than clingy. I began to miss him. All of him. At first it began as a light feeling in me; I would see something that reminded me of him, sigh and then move on. But then his missions became longer and more frequent.

I sat down on the bed that was mine. The sheets were coarse and the wind howled outside. It was a bitter night. Shizune had invited me out to drink sake but I declined. "Why?" She had asked.

I sighed and searched for the right answer. "Not in the mood. Long week." She nodded and mentioned something about drinking with the Hokage.

I had had a long week but not because of students or anything like that. In the back of my mind was a feeling; a dull, throbbing kind of feeling—kind of like how your hand feels after slamming it in a door. At first I ignored it and thought I was being too sensitive or overly concerned. But it grew and grew until all my thoughts focused on Kakashi, his smiling eyes, the sternness of his voice when he's worried or the way he waves to me.

"Iruka-sensei!" Anko jabbed me in the stomach. I grunted, I was used to her routine slaps, hits and punches. "Okay. Who's the lucky woman?"

I looked at her, dazed for a moment before earning another jab. "No one."

"Liaaaar!" She grinned devilishly. "Tell me."

"It's no one." I said again and blocked her punch. "Stop it."

"You've got a classic case of being lovesick." She said dramatically and cackled. "I won't tell anyone." One thing you never ever do is tell Anko a secret. She'll let the whole town know before you can stop her.

I stared off into the distance. Kakashi was someplace out there. Was I in his thoughts? Probably not. He has to be focused. "Iruka!" Anko sighed. "Ugh!" She stomped off and dumped herself on the chair in the kitchen. She picked at the fruit I had lying in a bowl and said lazily, "You're not thinking about committing suicide or anything? Are you depressed…and uh, having problems in you sex life that I could help you out with?"

"What?" I snapped out of my haze and blushed. You see, Tsunade was concerned about my well-being and once a day had someone check-up on me. I kept telling myself I was fine.

"Anko." I heard a familiar voice from the window. I turned to see Kakashi sitting in the window; his appearance was messy and his expression was tired. "I think you're done here."

I think my heart must've leaped up into the air. I felt like I was filled with some golden light, "Kakashi." I whispered, trying to contain myself.

"Sure, whatever." Anko winked at me and left.

I ran to Kakashi but I didn't hug him. I didn't want to seem like some sort of clingy, crazed person. He put his arm around my shoulder, "Hey."

"Hi." I said and looked at my feet. He placed a finger under my chin and looked at me. _Really_ looked at me.

"You haven't eaten." He said simply.

"What?" I stammered, "H-h-how do you know that?" I backed away.

His eyes softened for a second and then he took off his muddy shirt. "I'm taking a shower. Then I'm making dinner." I stood there, shocked.

Once he was done, he came out of the shower wrapped in a towel. "I need some pants or something." He said and I went to go get some. He rubbed his eyes and began pulling things out of the fridge or cabinet. He moved slowly as if half-asleep and he probably was. "Half of this food is old. When did you last…? Never-mind. I don't want to know." He sifted through the pile of food on the counter and picked out three eggs. "I'll make you some eggs."

"No really, it's not necessary." I began to say, embarrassed. I had not been cooked for since I was a child. "Please Kakashi."

"You're too thin. And there are circles under your eyes." He said matter-of-factly. "You need food and rest. You'd think one of those guys would notice!" The last sentence was said in anger. Then there was soft sizzling of eggs in a pan.

"I'm _fine._" I said, also slightly annoyed.

"Shut up and eat your eggs." He half-tossed the plate over to me. I narrowed my eyes. The atmosphere was so wrong. Not how I wanted it to be. To be honest, I was really fine. As long as I didn't think about Yukio, life was livable. I wanted people, especially Kakashi, to know this.

"How was your mission?" I asked tentatively, picking at my eggs.

"It was ok." His eyelids began to droop. "Long. Tiring. Like most missions."

"Naruto do well?" I asked and quickly swallowed a bite of eggs.

"Mmmm." He mumbled as he drifted off.

"Kakashi…" I whispered and then reached over and stroked his cheek. "Kakashi…you can sleep here tonight."

He yawned and slowly started to yawn, "Yeah…sure." He got up and walked slowly to the room and fell on the bed. "Better…eat the rest of those eggs."

"Forget about the eggs." I stroked his hair. "I'll eat tomorrow. You're here now. I'll be fine." I said soothingly. And tried to ease my way under the covers.

Except…it wasn't comfortable. Kakashi has a double bed so there's lots of room to stretch out if needs be. But I was too cheap to purchase a bed like that and still had a lumpy single mattress. Kakashi had flopped on his stomach and was taking up most of the space and I didn't want to wake him.

But minutes later I found myself saying, "…Kashi…?"

He lazily opened his eyes and looked at me. "Yeah?"

"I…I…have no room." He rolled over onto his side and gathered me in his arms. My back was against his chest and he had one arm draped over me. It was sweet really if my heart wasn't beating so quickly. We had shared the same bed a couple of times when I or we both needed to but that was at least four months ago. I didn't expect him to let me in…so easily. I was expecting some manly response or to at least have his back turned to me. Certainly not him pressed against me.

I wanted to look in his eyes, for something. Some spark or some feeling. What was I to him? I knew that we weren't just friends—our relationship had transcended that and we had become much closer than "just friends". But we were still friends.

In the morning, I was the first to untangle myself out of his arms. He was still asleep, however and I wanted to keep it that way. I dressed myself in some heavier clothes and went out for a quick run. My hair was undone and tousled but I didn't much care. No one was usually out at this hour.

The sun was barely up, the sky was only tinged pink.

_I see...you're still innocent._

And then it came over me, a sudden rush of feeling that I had been trying to keep at bay. I felt like I had been pushed into some darkened corner. I stopped and bent over, panting. My whole body trembled and I tried to convince myself it was too cold.

_Don't worry. It'll all be over soon._

I covered my face with my hands to try and stop the sobs. How long had it been like this? Had I done this every morning? I felt the warmth of my tears but on the inside I felt so cold.

"I knew you weren't fine." Kakashi said; his eyes full of concern.

I sobbed. "It just hurts so bad."

He rushed over to me and held me close. "I know, Iruka." I felt his hands in my hair and the warmth of his face. I sighed. I felt so safe with him and pulled him tighter towards me. He breathed into my hair, "Don't do that to me. Iruka…"

I stroked his hair, "The truth is…" I bit my lip, "I missed you." He smiled slowly and I knew he understood. He understood _me. _I pulled back and looked him in the eyes. With my heart thumping in my chest, I leaned in. I was so nervous I'm sure my palms were sweaty.

"Don't." He said, backing away. I stood there feeling alone once more.

The thing is…I didn't understand _him._

"What is it?" I asked, confused. But I knew; I was scared too. He shook his head and his back was turned to me. I wanted to reach out and touch him and tell him I felt the same way but a little voice inside me warned me. But what I felt, felt right. "Come here." I said, motioning him to come back.

"I can't Iruka." He said slowly. "I…lo—I just can't." I, however, wasn't going to take "no" for an answer. I walked up to him and put my arms around him. At first his muscles were tense but slowly he relaxed. "It's not going to be easy."

"Is it ever?" I smirked. He held me and once again, I felt so safe.

A few hours later I was headed off to class. Genma tapped me on the shoulder, "Hey there."

"Yeah?" I replied, waiting for the routine "just making sure you're ok".

"If you need someone to talk to…" He began all serious. "I'm sure you can find one." He patted me on the shoulder. "You seem fine."

"Well, sure, thanks." I muttered. Genma was like most of the guys who asked if I was ok. It was a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of thing and I hadn't expected much else.

"You and Kakashi are pretty close." He said merely as an observation.

"Yes…yes we are." I said. I'm sure he would've hated me for admitting that. He likes his privacy.

"Take care." He said before darting off.

I walked off to class and saw my students, "I made this for you, Iruka-sensei." A little girl named Ayame handed me a drawing and blushed. The thing about being a teacher of kids is that half the kids end up having a crush on you.

"Thank you, Ayame-chan." I nodded and showed her my warmest smile. She blushed even more. I turned to the class, "Today we are going to learn about genjitsu." The rest of the day happened as it normally would.

When I was walking back to my home, Naruto and Sasuke stopped me. "People say weird things Iruka-sensei." Sasuke just stood them, sullen.

I stiffened, hoping that no one had told him about Yukio or even Kakashi and me. "Oh, what about?"

"They say if a guy blows in your ear it means," his eyes widened and his voice lowered to a whisper, "it means he wants to do something nasty with you."

I suppressed the urge to laugh. "Uh-huh…like what?

"I'm not exactly sure but I think it involves a monkey and a girl named Jill." He said and then I did laugh. "What Iruka-sensei? I don't…don't laugh at me!"

"It's nothing. I mean….if you really want to know…" I put my arm around him and sighed, "I'll tell you."

"Really? Sure." He said, eyes bright.

"Well when a man and a woman love each other or a man and a man or a woman and a woman…." And then I whispered the rest in his ear. His eyes widened and his mouth became a grimace.

"Dumbass." Sasuke said. "I even knew that."

"You mean people…..do that?" His eyes darted from side to side. "….Even….you?"

I immediately blushed. "No, uh, not me." The two teenagers looked at me dumbfounded. I guess it was weird not to have had sex but I just didn't want to do it just to do it.

An arm slung around my shoulder, "Really?" Kakashi murmured in my ear, "I can fix that."

"Silly." I whispered back, my voice shaky.

"When you're ready, of course." He kissed the side of my head. Okay, so he was fine with telling others about our (romantic?) relationship. I blushed. Sasuke and Naruto just gaped at us.

"You mean…you and…Kakashi-sensei….?" Naruto awkwardly asked.

"Yes Naruto." Kakashi sighed.

A warm, excited smiled filled his face. "Awesome! Now I've got two dads!"

"Idiot." Sasuke muttered and walked off, Naruto tagging along.

"You know, he's going to open up his big mouth and—" I began to say.

"Tell everyone?" He said, grinning at me.

"I don't want people to—" But I was interrupted again.

"Let people think what they think. I've got you." He smiled. I smiled weakly back. "Hey, hey. We'll get through this okay? And I've got you no matter what."

"Yeah…I just feel so helpless."

"You're strong Iruka. You're strong because you cause others to be strong too. Look at Naruto. He wouldn't be the same without his…" He chuckled, "…Dad."

I playfully slapped him on the shoulder. "Hey!" Somehow, I'm not quite sure how—we ended up face to face. He leaned in this time and placed a delicate kiss on my forehead. I moved, cautiously, to remove his mask. My fingers were on his face and I lightly gripped the mask and started to inch it down.

He grabbed my hand, "I don't think I'm ready to show you that yet." We both had our secrets, our fears and this relationship was too raw—too fresh to force anything.

"I love you." He said, his expression unreadable.

"I know." My heart swelled with all this light within me. I felt so bright that no darkness—not even Yukio—could take over.

"You…." He breathed. I nodded and this time I held him. His head was on my shoulder and his breath was warm against my neck. I whispered into his ear and felt him relax against me.

This was right. This was how it was supposed to be. How it was always meant to be.


	10. Chapter 10: With Eyes In Love

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 10: With Eyes In Love

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and Foolish Love by Rufus Wainwright

Author's Note: The thing about Kakairu is that they have their own little world together. At least with Gundam Wing (any fans, here?), there was a little network so it made it easier…I guess…to write. But here, I feel as if it's an intrusion if another person pops in. Oh well….just ravings of the writer. By the way, thank you for all your reviews (also an onigiri is a rice ball). Oh and I know this chapter is super, super short. And I'm sorry.

Disclaimer: Do I really have to put this here? Isn't it obvious?

Kakashi's POV:

I looked at myself in the mirror. A face that I wasn't used to seeing stared back. I had gotten so used to the mask that it had become like a second layer of skin instead of what it was intended to be: protection.

It was a barrier between me and those around me. I wanted to keep it that way. People didn't need to see my face. A face betrays one's emotions and to be a good ninja one must be able to separate himself from his emotions, right?

I mean that's what got my father and Obito killed. I'm not saying I'm resentful or bitter but I can learn from their mistakes. Not to get emotionally involved. I'm not saying emotions are a bad thing…but there's a time and a place.

I looked into his eyes. Those soft, brown eyes that were so easily surprised and saddened. There was a light present in those eyes unlike anyone else's. It was a light that vowed to consume you with warmth if you let it. Then why was I so afraid?

"Iruka…" I breathed. How could I make him understand? I wanted him, forever. But I was scared, which was so strange. I had faced death countless times and seen many atrocities. But my heart was too fragile. It had been broken a number of times—one crack for every death.

I heard the door open and the muffled, cat-like steps of Iruka. He seemed to be carrying something. I peeked around the corner, careful to remain hidden. His navy shirt was still loose; he was making progress. I told Tsunade of Iruka's inability to care for himself. She had given me an inquisitive glare…if there is such a thing.

"Iruka has been losing significant weight and is emotionally unstable." I had told her in her office.

She narrowed her eyes, "And why, pray tell, does this concern you? I have people watching over him."

I blinked. It was one thing for adults to suspect my love for Iruka—that I didn't care about. But to admit it to someone else was another thing entirely. "I…I…care for him."

She continued writing. "I see. So you think you're the man to watch him?"

I couldn't answer but she must've understood because she then said, "Well I'll take you off mission duty for a month." I bowed in gratitude and then left.

I snapped back to reality and tiptoed back to the bathroom to put on my mask. "Kakashi? Are you home?" I heard Iruka's voice call from the kitchen. "I brought onigiri….thought you'd…might like one." His voice suddenly became nervous. "Are you here?"

I grunted from the bathroom and hurried to put on a pair of pants. "Yeah."

He brightened. "Do you want some onigiri?" He held one out to me.

It took it from him. We were silent for a while. "…Kashi…what's wrong? You seem…" Iruka trailed off.

"Tsunade-sama gave me a month off." I said simply. Why was I being so guarded?

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh. That's a good thing….unless you miss the action."

I shook my head. "No…that's not it."

He walked over and put his head on my chest. It was rare that he would initiate something but I was grateful. "What are you thinking, love? What are you feeling?" His voice was so tender that I wanted to blurt the whole entire thing out to him, instead I shrugged.

"Dunno."

"You know, you don't have to tell me now. We can wait." He said and that made me want to tell him even more.

"I know." I whispered, bringing him close. "I just don't want two of us hurting."

Iruka glanced up at me, his eyes full of concern. "Are you….are you hurting, Kakashi?"

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you." I said and he just held me tighter. Two broken souls…together could we mend?

"We can take care of each other."

"I told you it wasn't going to be easy." Now, I was just making excuses.

"Who said I wanted easy? I just want you. All of you."

I broke the embrace and stroked Iruka's warm cheek. He looked at me with understanding eyes. My hands were trembling but I managed to find the edges of my mask and slowly inched it down. I felt it pass over my nose, lips and then chin. All the while, Iruka eyes smiled. "You're beautiful." He breathed.

I must've blushed because he did too. He leaned in and cupped my cheek with his hands. Only silent words passed between us. "Beautiful." He whispered. He then traced my features with the tip of his index finger. I closed my eyes, he was so gentle.

He leaned in closer and kissed the side of my mouth lightly. I could tell he was nervous. "Iruka." I whispered huskily into his ear and pulled him into my arms. He relaxed against me and I kissed his forehead and then the tip of his nose, making my way down to his lips.

I felt his heart fluttering through his shirt and then our lips met. It was a simple, sweet kiss but one full of love. Moments later, he broke away; his cheeks were pink and there was a smile on his lips, "I love you."

Somehow, this could work. "Love you too."

I went in for another kiss when I heard him murmur, "Aren't you meeting the kids for a little bit of training?"

"They can wait." And we kissed again. It began as a soft touch on the lips and till his mouth opened, inviting me in. I explored the inside of his mouth. His wonderful, sweet mouth. I wanted to tell him I loved him over and over again in that kiss.

About half-an-hour later, I was taking my time getting to "the kids". When I saw them, they were under a tree looking annoyed and utterly pissed off.

"You're late." Naruto spat out.

I chuckled and decided to tell them the truth. "I'm sorry. I was making out with Iruka-sensei."

"LIAR!" They screamed.


	11. Chapter 11: Like Lovers Do

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 11: Like Lovers Do

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and Here Comes the Rain Again by the Eurythmics

Author's Note: This is the first week of Kakashi's month off. The story picks up right where Ch. 10 left off. Sorry, Iruka's a little mood-swingy in this chapter.

Disclaimer: No-brainer.

Iruka's POV:

I could still feel his lips: soft, smooth and sure. He was unbelievably gently and careful and it seemed like he did his best to make sure I didn't feel foolish. But what I couldn't get over was his face. It seemed like a secret treasure and only I knew that. His face was…beautiful. That was the only way to describe it. All the features were perfect and fit together so wonderfully. Not only was I in awe…I felt slightly inadequate. I have never been a pretty boy. At the most, I was awkwardly cute.

I sighed when I heard the door open, "That was fast."

"Told them I had more important things to do." He smiled at me and squeezed my hand. He used his other hand to pull down his mask and flashed a toothy grin at me.

"Well what do we do now?" I asked.

"Heal." Kakashi said lightly, never letting go of my hand. "Love."

"Love?" I asked.

"Yes, Ruka." Kakashi smiled nervously. "Unless….you're not ready…"

"No…it's not that." I whispered. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. It was more than physical or sexual, it was a desire to feel loved in everyway possible. I dreamed of moments like that; moments that weren't tainted. I kissed his cheek lightly in an attempt to reassure him but it didn't work.

"I can wait." He said, searching my eyes. But I couldn't hold his gaze. Kakashi has a look in his eyes…like he's trying to peer into your soul and you're afraid that he won't like what he sees. I averted my eyes and instead pulled him into a tight embrace, hoping that answer would be sufficient enough. "What is it, love? If it's not…._that_…what's bothering you?"

A bunch of things! I wanted to say. I was afraid that I wasn't good looking enough to be his partner…or not experienced enough. I was afraid that once I decided to give myself to him, he would look at me like damaged goods. I was afraid that I would do something wrong, because I had never been in a relationship before. I was afraid, dammit.

But the fear went away for a bit when his lips covered mine in a brief kiss. "I can hear you thinking." He poked my forehead with a finger. "What are you thinking about?"

I didn't have the heart to tell him all of my apprehensions. Getting to this place had been hard enough and I wanted us both to remain in the happiness of being in love. Even though I was in love I didn't feel entirely safe. I kept waiting for someone to step in and say this was all a figment of my imagination…or even worse, a joke. "Nothing." I muttered.

"Who's the liar now?" He murmured in my ear. I blushed and he finally changed the subject. "What do you want to do for dinner? I hear Kurenai and Asuma are here…." He watched my reaction. I didn't especially want to double date, not yet or maybe even never. "Ok…what about eating with the kids?" He mock-cringed.

"Well, sure. I don't mind the kids." I shrugged. Kids are much easier to deal with than adults. They are accepting, simple-minded and carefree, for the most part…I don't think I can say that for Sasuke and Naruto who have had their unfair share of grief.

"Ok. Would you like to eat here….your place…or somewhere else?" Kakashi asked.

"Here…remember I'm sleeping over?" I flashed him a grin.

He chuckled. "Yeah we can paint each other's nails and I can braid your hair."

While, Kakashi busied himself in the kitchen I went to find the kids and bring them over. I hadn't seen them in a while and it was (usually) a pleasure to see their faces. Especially this group. Every team seemed to have brooding teenagers—it was just that age…but this group had experienced awful hardships.

I knocked on Sasuke's door first since he lived the closest. After a minute or two I heard a groan and he opened it. I waved and said hello. He grunted. "Would you like to eat dinner with me?"

"Already ate." He mumbled.

"Would you like some company then?" I asked cautiously not trying to force him into anything.

He didn't say anything for a bit and then looked at me with his hard cold eyes, "No."

"Well, I'll be at Kakashi's if you want to stop by!" I said and waved goodbye.

The next house was Sakura's. Her parents were home, I could see them from the window. They looked like a happy couple. Sakura was picking at the food on her plate. I sighed…well, I wasn't going to interrupt their dinner.

Naruto was last. Naruto and I had an odd relationship. I had known him since he was an infant but I didn't warm up to him until he was around three.

//Flashback//

"Demon fox, you get out of my store!" I heard a plump lady scream, chasing out a small blond child with large blue eyes. I knew that most people ignored the so-called demon fox but I had never seen anyone actively hate the kid.

I walked over to where Naruto was sitting in the dirt and shot a glare at the lady who just turned up her nose and left. I bent down to check on the little kid. He was shaken but he wasn't crying. "Hey, hey….it's alright."

"Yoor not scawed of me?" He whimpered, looking more scared of me than anything else. I shook my head. "She haz candy." Then he grew real quiet, got up and started walking away.

"Hey, kid!" I called after him. He turned around slowly. "I'll get you some candy. Hold on a second." I ran into the store and bought whatever I could get my hands on the fastest. When I was done, I handed him the candy and was thanked with a warm smile.

"I wike thiz kin'." He said and offered me a piece. It was some strawberry flavored thing that melted on the tongue. "I'm Nawooto."

"I'm Umino Iruka." I ruffled his hair and waved goodbye. After a few minutes, I turned around and was slightly surprised to see Naruto following me. "Hi." I said nervously. I saw the looks I was getting from the people around me. And yes, at first I was nervous but then I became defiant. Who the hell are they to be this cruel to a baby?

"Iwuka-senpai…" He began to ask something but then was cut short.

"Is this the demon fox? He doesn't look frightening." I heard a voice, soft and impassive. I turned to look; it was Uchida Itachi and his younger brother Sasuke. Itachi had recently graduated from the academy at the top of his class.

"Don't call him that." I said through gritted teeth. Something in me had connected with this child. Something in me felt a need to protect him.

Iruka stared at me. The look wasn't glaring or remorseful, it was completely neutral, as if he couldn't care less about anything. "I apologize."

Slightly nervous, I offered my hand to Naruto and we both walked away from the Uchidas. At some point, I turned around to look back. Itachi had moved on, now conversing with the ANBU leader, Hatake Kakashi. I sighed some relief.

"Where awe we goin'?" Naruto asked me as we darted past a street corner.

I grinned at him, "Would you like some ramen?"

//End Flashback//

"What are you doing here, Iruka-sensei?" I was not greeted with the usual warmth but instead by a pissy Naruto.

"Well, hello to you too. Wanna have dinner at Kakashi's place?" I asked.

"I don't care." He sighed.

"Something wrong?" I asked, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. If you haven't already guessed, I'm a very hands-on person.

He sighed again. "Sasuke's being cold to me again." I expected him to be angry or pissed but he seemed genuinely hurt.

For a brief instant, I wanted to roll my eyes at his comment.. Isn't Sasuke always like that, to everybody? But perhaps, this kid, somehow got past the Uchidas barriers. I had to wonder. After all, it was possible. Neji was now much more amiable after befriending Naruto.

"Hey, dumbass." I heard a voice behind me and recognized it as Sasuke's. "Are you going to Kakashi's or not?" Immediately, Naruto brightened.

"I bet I can beat you there." Naruto puffed out his chest.

"I'd like to see you try." Sasuke smiled—if only for a brief moment. And then, they were off!

I took my time getting to Kakashi's. The night air was chilly and I rubbed my hands together to keep warm. I needed time to think. Had we, Kakashi and I, put the cart far ahead of the horse? Were we moving too fast? It had felt right at the time—too right. But now, I realized that I didn't know too much about Kakashi and vice versa. Had we forced intimacy with no real foundation? God, I hoped not.

When I made my way inside and I greeted with surprise. "It's not like you to be late." Kakashi said through his mask.

"Well I got lost on the road of life…" I chuckled. "What's for dinner?"

"Fish…" Naruto said in between bites.

I sat down at my place. Naruto was the only one eating and suddenly I was not hungry. "I'll do dishes."

"Not hungry?" Kakashi narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah. I'll eat later." I said and began to put away the leftovers.

"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked sternly.

"Nothing…" I sighed. "Everything is damned peachy." I caught a glimpse of the kids' faces. It was the look any kid got when they say their parents fighting. And I guess, this was no exception. Naruto seemed to levitate from the table and exited the room, taking Sasuke with him.

"How can help you if you don't talk to me?" He said quietly and I saw the hurt in his eyes. I wanted to reach out to him and hold him and say that I loved him.

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked.

"The truth!" He didn't yell for the kids' sake. He knew that their ears were pressed against the paper-thin walls listening to every word possible.

"I want everything to be alright." I said emotionlessly.

"I want that too." He reached out to touch my cheek. "I love you."

"Why?" Tears filled my eyes unexpectedly and I blinked frantically to keep them from falling. "I'm worthless." I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of tears falling down. Then I felt his lips claim mine and I sighed with relief. He still loved me. That much was certain. He pulled away after a moment and took my hand in his.

He brought it to his lips and kissed it and then he put it against his chest. Through the thin fabric I felt the steady beat of his heart. "Do you feel that? My heart beats for you. I was dead till I loved you. You are not worthless."

"Kashi!" I cried and embraced him tightly. He sighed and held me close too. I wanted to crawl inside of his chest and never, ever leave.

"Now, my little one…should we send the kids away…?" A smile tugged at his lips and I blushed.

"Aw…man!" Naruto whined, walking back in the room. "I haven't even finished." Kakashi turned away and slipped his mask back over his face.

"Well, then. Finish." Kakashi said.

"Kakashi-sensei, is it true you have the month off?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes."

"I see." Sasuke sighed and crossed his arms. "Naruto…let's get going. It's obvious that they want to be alone." Naruto whined as Sasuke dragged him out by his collar.

Kakashi chuckled. "Iruka."

"Yes."

"Let's get some sleep." He held my hand and led me to the bedroom. We got ready for bed (undressed, brushed our teeth…etc) before getting comfortable under the blankets. Kakashi rolled over on his side and spooned me. It was so comforting, feeling him breathe. "I love you." He whispered and I closed my eyes.

There were hands. A laugh. And then blood. It was cold, so cold. It was as if I couldn't see but I knew everything that was happening… "I see you're still innocent." I opened my mouth but no noise came out. There was nothing. No air. No light. I felt as if I was falling.

"Iruka!" Kakashi was over me, shaking me. "Wake up, damn it!" I blinked open my eyes and gasped for air. "Oh thank god." He pulled me against his chest.

"What happened?" I was surprised by how hoarse my voice sounded.

"Nightmare." Kakashi let go and sat up. "I was told these would happen."

"Hmm?" I said, my head still whirling.

"After trauma…some people have nightmares." Kakashi said, looking down.

"Oh." I sighed and tried to brush it off. I didn't want him worrying too much about me. "Well it's over now…let's go to sleep."

"Don't you….don't you want to talk about it?" He asked, his eyes pleading.

"There's nothing to talk about. It was a nightmare. Everybody gets those." I said as sternly as possible but my voice cracked midway.

"You don't have to go through this alone…let me in." He said softly.

I nodded and fisted my hands in the sheets. "I just want to get some sleep."

"Okay." He said and I could tell he was unsatisfied. But I didn't want to have to deal with my feelings. If I kept them as far away from me as possible, they couldn't hurt me. At least, that was the plan.

But I needed to reassure Kakashi. I kissed his cheek and then snuggled against him. "Believe in me."

"Always, my love." He murmured.

A/N: I've already begun writing Ch 12…so that should be out soon. Enjoy!


	12. Chapter 12: Come into the Light

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 12: Come into the Light, I'm Here

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and Trust by L'arc En Ciel

Author's Note: Picks up right where chapter 11 left off. Light-hearted and a little fluffy but that's ok…I hope.

Kakashi's POV:

The sun woke me very early that morning. Iruka had shifted in the night. He was on the other side of the bed curled up. I smiled at the look on his face. I don't care what people say, most people aren't beautiful when they sleep. They don't look like little angels and Iruka was no exception. His dark brown hair was in tangles and matted against his face. His cheeks were pleasantly rosy and his mouth hung open as if caught midway in a yawn. I wanted to kiss him.

Instead, "Wake up, sleepyhead."

"Mmmm?" He groaned.

"It's morning…we have lots to do today." I started to kiss his shoulder.

"Uhhhhh….like whaaaat?" He yawned.

"We can spend the whole day together, just the two of us." I whispered in his ear.

"Well…if it's my choice…I'm going to sleep in." He pulled the covers over his head before letting out an awkward screech and jumping out of bed.

"It's Monday! _Monday_!" He started grabbing clothes from the closet and throwing them on. "Oh crap. Where's my brush? Ugh…my hair! I can't go like this."

"Wearing my clothes?" I grinned.

"What?" He stopped and looked down. The clothes hung loosely around him but they fit well enough. "Oh…it's too late to go back to my place to get some." He ran a hand through his hair. "Do you own a brush?"

"Yeah…in the bathroom." I said, getting out of bed. I watched him frantically dart into the bathroom and run a brush through his hair and pull it back. Some rebellious strands still hung around his face but at this point he didn't seem to care.

I went into the kitchen to try and make him something for breakfast but he ran out the door, yelling, "Byeeee!"

I sighed. Now I had nothing to do. I went to my bedroom to get _Icha Icha _and started reading.

But after a few minutes my mind began to wander. I dropped the book, got my gear on and headed out. I was going to have _fun_.

Iruka walked in after me, glaring. "I can't believe you. You're just damn lucky—"

I grinned.

"Uh-huh…you think that grin is going to erase what you did?" He said; he was way past annoyed.

I reached out and pulled him into my lap. He struggled for a moment and then sighed. "C'mere and give us a kiss, babe." I smiled and watched him turn all shades of red. I just held him tighter. I couldn't help it. He was so cute!

"Fine." He kissed me quickly. "But I found your notebook! I have evidence that you were spying on me!" He got off my lap and dug through one of his pockets to pull out a little blue notebook.

My eyes widened for a second; how did he get that..? "It wasn't _spying_." I said. "It was lovingly observing my beloved." I chuckled a bit but he just huffed.

Iruka angrily flipped open a page and began to read, "12:15, Iruka is bending over to pick up a piece of chalk. His ass looks nice from here. 12:23, Iruka smiles at one of the children for answering a question correctly. 12:24, Iruka dodges a spitball. 12:28, I wonder if Iruka teaches sex-ed. 12:35, Iruka takes out his ponytail and flips his hair. 12:35 and 30 seconds, thinking dirty thoughts. 12:39, Shikamaru falls asleep again and Iruka ignores it. I would thwack him over the head or something….it goes on and on like that! Next time, just ask how my day was and I'll _tell _you!"

"So are you going to tell me how you got my notebook?" I eyed him playfully.

He thumbed through the book. "Ah-ha! 3:32, school seems to be almost over. May take quick nap and then surprise Iruka!" He put his hands on his hips triumphantly. "I _saw _you in that tree with that notebook. And so after school, I wanted to, you know, find out what you were doing."

I sighed dramatically, "You thought it was my _diary_?"

He blushed, "Nooo…"

"You know, if you want to know about my life…next time ask and I'll _tell _you!" I chuckled a little. "So continue…I'm curious."

//Flashback…sort of (yes it's meant to be in third person)//

Kakashi perked up once he heard the excited cheers of the students rushing out of the building. He glanced in the window, wondering if Iruka was still there. At first, he was surprised to see that Iruka was swaying his hips to some music, it seemed. He had never done this before. Could he be…a closet-dancer?! Kakashi scribbled his findings down in his notebook before shutting it and putting it in his pocket.

He jumped off of his tree branch and made his way inside the school building…to glomp his lover. He tiptoed around the corners and then, when the timing was right burst into the room!

A chalkboard eraser fell on to his head.

"Oh! Kakashi!" Iruka blushed.

"Why does that always happen when I come here?" Kakashi muttered to himself.

Iruka rushed over and hugged him. "It's so good to see you." His dark brown hair was still undone and fell around his shoulders. "Ohh…you have a leaf in your hair." Iruka picked it out and narrowed his eyes. _So Kakashi_ was _in that tree_, he thought.

"Did you have a good day?" Kakashi smiled.

"Wanna guess?"

"I hope you di—" Kakashi was not expecting to be staring at the ceiling. Iruka had tackled him. "Wha…?" He asked still dazed

"Couldn't resist." There was a gleam in Iruka's eye. A prankster gleam but Kakashi didn't notice…he was too concerned about Iruka lips. Kakashi sat up and kissed Iruka. It was a playful, teasing kiss. Their hands wandered…Iruka's moved lower and lower until he felt a bump in Kakashi's pocket. He reached in and pulled out the notebook and placed it in his own.

He wasn't a ninja for nothing.

The kiss continued for a few moments longer until Kakashi tackled Iruka…so he could be on top. Iruka chuckled and Kakashi kissed the tip of his nose. "You're so cute."

"I love you." Iruka said and Kakashi's heart gleamed.

//End Flashback//

"You sneaky…" I muttered. Iruka just grinned.

"I owned you." Iruka's grin widened.

"…yeah…" I mumbled and was surprised to find that he was kissing me. It was a warm surprise…to see him comfortable with kissing me. I was so afraid that after Yukio he would be afraid of touch in general. But he trusted me. I knew that.

"I'm taking the day off tomorrow." He whispered. His hair was in his eyes and I brushed it away. "We can spend the whole day together. Just the two of us."

"Mmm…." I smiled. "Sounds nice." He kissed me again. "I can make dinner."

"No it's ok. We can have ramen. My treat."

Dinner was a loud affair. Naruto was there as well making big gestures and slurping sounds. "I'm definitely going to be the Hokage one day!"

Iruka didn't do what most adults would do, which is sighing and patting the child on the head. Iruka grinned, "I believe you will, Naruto-kun! Work hard!"

"Oh you don't have to tell me twice." He slurped some more noodles. I had finished my bowl much earlier and was just sitting there, taking up space.

The sky was just turning orange as we made our way back home. Neither of us was super comfortable with public affection yet. But we let out fingertips brush more than once. That contact sent shivers through me. I didn't expect to fall in love so deeply with anyone. Of course, I'd die for Iruka. That didn't mean much around here. Ninjas died all the time protecting people or causes they cared about. I would _live _for Iruka. That was much more precious.

We both went to sleep early that evening. The sun had barely set as we dozed off on the couch with my head in his lap and his fingers in my hair. Sometime during the night, I woke up to get a glass of water and then I brought Iruka back to bed. I undressed him so he wouldn't be uncomfortable in his chuunin uniform. I felt almost guilty…doing it without his knowledge or permission. But he must've been exhausted since he didn't stir…

…At least, not yet.

A few hours later, Iruka's foot twitched and I immediately sat up. Another nightmare? His breathing had quickened. "Oh, Iruka." I shook him gently, hoping to wake him up.

He sat up, eyes wide and caught halfway through a scream. His brown eyes darted around the room frantically until they settled on me. "Kakashi." He looked haunted. His small hands were shaking.

"It's was a nightmare, love." I tried to be soothing. I reached out to touch him.

"Don't!" His voice was sharp. "…not yet." He looked at me and I could tell he was struggling to find the words. "…let it…just let it pass." I chewed on the insides of my cheeks to keep from trying to make him talk about. He didn't seem ready…it was something I didn't want to force.

Iruka pulled his knees to his chest and slowly rocked back and forth. When he spoke, it was strained as if he were trying to not cry. "It hurts." He paused and took a deep breath. "It shouldn't."

I opened my mouth but no words came out. I was at a loss.

He finally let out a sob and I could hear him whisper: "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine." A moment later he looked at me. "Hold me while I sleep."

And how could I deny him?

The next morning he was still curled up against me. He had slept fitfully that night. All the while, I held him and whispered into his ear, "I'll protect you…if you'll let me." Now, he seemed fine. A little drool had made its way on to my arm.

When he awoke, his eyes were foggy with sleep. I kissed forehead. "Good morning."

"Morning." He yawned. "I suppose you want to talk." He rolled his shoulders, trying to loosen himself from my hold. I wasn't going to give in. "Aren't your arms asleep?"

"Yes, I expect they're blue now." I said, playfully. But then I got serious, "We can talk when you're ready. But tell me something." I clenched my jaw. "Anything. I can only be kept in the dark for so long."

"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It." He glared at me. "Let go." When he squirmed out of the bed, he walked away. "If I don't think about it, it can't hurt me."

I wrung the sheets in my hand. "Maybe you're having nightmares because…you're giving these feeling no other place to go but your subconscious."

His back was to me. "Everyone has nightmares. Even you." He turned around and glared.

It was true. Obito's death—among other things—plagued my dreams often. It was usually the same dream, merely a flashback. It wasn't that I blamed myself for Obito's death. I had…in the past. I blamed myself for losing my first friend so easily and quickly. If only I had been stronger.

"I know that look." Iruka said. His tone impassive. "That look….of regret."

"It's not your fault." I said, meeting his eyes.

"Even if it feels like it." He nodded. Tears welled up in his eyes. He spun around, his shoulders shaking. "I can't deal with this right now."

I got up out of bed and pulled him against me. "We need…we need to let each other in. Together…we can heal." After a few moments he softened against my embrace and nodded.


	13. Chapter 13: Come into the Light Part 2

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 13: Come into the Light, I'm Here Part 2

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and Trust by L'arc En Ciel

Author's Note: I know it's taken forever for me to update…but college just started up again…so updating might be a little slower….but I still will! I won't forget this fic. Kakashi is emotional in this chapter…hope you like. The reason I didn't have Iruka explain what happened with Yukio is b/c I'd already written it in an earlier chapter…so I didn't think something like that needed to be done twice. And with Kakashi…I assume most of you know what happened. I feel like a jerk now…gosh I'm so emo today hides Please review!

Kakashi's POV:

It was a slow night dredging up memories that would rather be left alone and forgotten. But it had been done. I felt naked. Iruka now knew about my past and all the hurt there. He knew about Obito…his death…our brief but intense friendship. I had opened up to him in a way that I never expected to do with another human being. Even now, I kept other's at a distance. Somehow, a tiny part of me felt relieved to be able to share myself and my memories.

When I listened to Iruka tell his story, my hands gripped the sheets. I seriously considered digging up Yukio's body and giving it a few posthumous kicks. Instead, I held Iruka. He needed me.

"It hurts…." Iruka trembled against me. I held him close, still shaken from his story. He continued, "I don't even know why…did I do anything?" A painful mixture of anger and sympathy rose in my chest.

"No baby…you didn't do anything." I whispered to him.

He nodded. "But…but I could've done something to stop him. I could've…I could've…" He shivered. I held him tighter and he kissed my jaw.

"It's not your fault either." He whispered. I thought he was referring to Obito. I _knew _that wasn't my fault. It took me a second to realize he was referring to Yukio.

Sometimes, my mind would drift off into that morning…or was it night? I remember it being dark…like god's hand had blotted out the sun. I didn't believe in god….and if he existed he sure forgot about us a long time ago.

Why didn't I keep Iruka by my side the whole time? Had I been oblivious? Or, perhaps I was embarrassed to have anyone by my side.

"Never again." I breathed into Iruka's hair. "Nothing can hurt you. I've got you. He's dead. He can't touch you again…I won't let him." I felt Iruka melt into my embrace as the trembling in his body stopped.

"Forgive yourself?" He whispered.

"If you forgive me first." I replied.

"I never blamed you."

"I know."

"I forgive you." He knew that I needed to hear those words. That I clung to each syllable like they were life-giving water. I let it wash over me.

We held each other for a long time, feeling our ribcages expanding with each new breath. I ran my hands through his hair. It was stringy and smooth. I breathed in his scent of soap and earth. "Love you…so damn much." I found myself saying.

I felt his smile against my chest.

Sometime later we found ourselves sitting in a clearing in the woods. There were several clearings but most were being used by ninjas who were practicing. I caught a glimpse of Gai and Lee doing acrobatic handstands and push-ups.

Our clearing, was deep in the woods. Small and secluded. Konoha Woods were very pretty. Towering trees rose up from the ground and made a swarm of tiny umbrellas. We sat down. I glanced at Iruka. He had not bothered to get dressed. He still wore his light green pajamas and his hair fell all around his face. I was wearing the clothes from the day before…I was no better. But we were both too tired to care.

Iruka stretched out his legs and leaned back, resting his weight on his hands. It was cloudy today but he basked in what little sunlight there was. I reached over and brushed some tendrils out of his face. He looked at me, appreciative.

After all that emotional vomit, we came out on the other side. And we were still broken but mending. Soon we would be back in one piece. I hoped.

I watched him as he sat quietly, toeing the cool dirt. I scooted over next to him and took one of his hands in mine. The warm flesh was comforting. I felt his pulse against my fingers. Without hesitation, I kissed his cheek.

He giggled as if he had been tickled. "I was waiting for you to do that. You were _itching _to do that."

I didn't deny it.

I kissed him wordlessly; it was soft, almost chaste. But when he titled his head for more, I kissed him deeply. Iruka is very kissable. He has little, cute, pouty lips that are just so easy to latch onto. We were lost in that kiss, in that intimate dance of tongues, lips and hands.

He was the first to pull away. "Kakashi…?" He breathed. I looked into his eyes, waiting for him to say something. Moments passed and then he took my hand and kissed the tips of each of my fingers. I watched him, curious.

I didn't realize he was blushing till I looked at his face. He was beet-red. It was at that moment I became conscious of what he was after. "If you're not ready…" I started to say.

"No, no…I am…at least for something." He stumbled over the words and then blushed some more.

I gave him an Eskimo kiss, playfully. "Is my love sexually frustrated?" I said in a sing-song voice.

He let out a little "eep" and then shook his head. "No, no, no….it's just…." He opened and shut his mouth a few times and then fell into silence.

"Shhh….'Ruka." I whispered. "I was teasing." And I kissed him for an apology and then I pulled my shirt over my head and met his lips again. I wanted him but most of all I wanted to move at his pace. We had been shirtless in front of each other many times but never in a sexual way. This was new to him.

Iruka didn't blush instead he had a look on his face of pure fascination. His eyes flicked upwards to meet mine as if to ask permission to touch. I nodded. He was apprehensive even nervous, at first, like he had been with our first kiss. His fingers reached out and began to trace my many scars.

He began with the one over my heart and lightly brushed his fingers across it. I shivered at his touch….it was electric. He ran his palms up and down the planes of my chest. Every few minutes his would make eye contact as if to ask, "Is this ok?"

I let him touch me. Explore. When his index finger brushed against a nipple, I gasped. I couldn't help it. They were already hard…it was a little cool out. Iruka bit his bottom lip and paused. Then his fingers brushed over it again, this time intentionally. He watched my reaction carefully. I was wholly surprised when his lips touch my skin. _My, my, adventurous, aren't we?_ I mused.

He took a nipple in his mouth and ran his tongue over it and then pulled away, thinking. I imagined in the future he would be a very careful and precise lover. He was very ninja-like in his exploring and I couldn't help but smile. He touched and evaluated but never lingered in one place for too long.

"Iruka?" I whispered.

"Oh crap, I did something wrong, didn't I? I dunno, well…this is my first time and I—" I shut him up quickly with a kiss.

"I was going to ask if I could join in on the fun." I nibbled on his earlobe.

"Oh…ahh….well, um…sure..." He sighed. I kissed neck and snaked a hand under his shirt.

His skin was warm and smooth. "You're beautiful, you know that?" I murmured. A pink tinge colored his cheeks. I began to lift up his shirt and it was halfway off when I heard a…"Hello Kakashi-sensei!" behind me.

I scrambled to put my mask back on. "Somebody has a death wish." I gritted my teeth and turned to see who had interrupted us.

It was none other than Gai and Lee dressed in their tacky green leotards that hugged all the wrong places. Oh god no.

He gave me his "nice guy pose" and said in his robust and cheerful voice, "I see your taking advantage of the springtime of youth."

"Kakashi!" I heard a strangled, muffled cry from Iruka who had gotten tangled up in his shirt. I helped him yank the shirt down and saw that his face changed from flaming red to sheet white when he saw both Gai and Lee.

"Shit." He muttered.

"Iruka-sensei!" Lee bowed. "Kakashi-sensei!"

"Ah my esteemed rival, we will meet again…at a more opportune time." Gai snorted and motioned for Lee to follow.

Over the next couple of days, we spent most of the time lazing about and wandering around. It was fun…having nothing to do. Nothing planned. Iruka seemed happy about it. He took the rest of the week off and let Shikamaru teach who wasn't at all pleased with that.

On the fourth day, I awoke early—to an empty bed. On Iruka's pillow I noticed a small note and in neat, clear handwriting it said:

_Kakashi,_

_Had to take care of some things. Be back later. _

_Bye._


	14. Chapter 14: Stay

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 14: Stay

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and I'll Find A Way by Rachel Yamagata

Author's Note: Ugh…school work is killing me. Thank you so much for all your kind reviews. It's food for the imagination.

Warnings: A little limey. Ok…a lot limey. Borderline lemonish? You'll understand when you read it.

Iruka's POV:

It was raining.

And it was cold. Wrapping my arms around my body, I hoped to create some inner warmth. My hair had fallen loose from its ponytail and was dripping wet down my back.

Once again, I reminded myself why I was here. In front of my home.

I had been there several times, yes. To get my clothes, water my plants or just for a change of scenery. But it had always been with Kakashi. This time I was alone and shivering like a frightened child.

I was useless.

I stuck my key in, heard it click but did not open the door. I was frozen outside and I wished it was due to the cold.

Stuffing my hands deep in my pockets, I thought long and hard about what I was about to do. I bit my lip and hoped for the best; I opened the door.

My heart thudded so fiercely I could feel every beat and hear the rush of body coursing through my body. Surely, my face was panic-stricken…scared.

A good ninja doesn't show his emotions. I was told this at a young age.

Perhaps that's why I was unable to become anything other than a Chuunin. I abided by my emotions. I let them paint expressions on my face, influence my decisions and guide my actions.

I stood there, dripping wet, in the darkened room of my apartment. It looked gray as if all the color had been washed out. My little knick-knacks and were dusty; my student drawings that were on the refrigerator were yellowing and the food that had been sitting out had curled into rotting black trash.

More time passed. I could count the minutes according to the beating of my heart—finally it had calmed. It was soothing to feel my pulse against my fingers. It's something ninjas were taught to do if they need to keep the time and don't have a watch. I did it for other reasons.

Again, I reminded myself why I was here.

It was in the bedroom; I was sure of it. I made slow, carefully measured steps to my bed room. The bed was unmade and my clothes were in wrinkled piles across the floor. The drawers of my dresser were already unopened and rummaged through. In the top drawer—the sock drawer—in a little blue case that was worn at the edges was a necklace that I hadn't worn since childhood.

It was a little silver dolphin pendant on a silver chain. My parents didn't have much money but my mother, since she didn't have a daughter, always insisted on buying me gender-ambiguous things like jewelry, knick-knacks, clothes, arts and crafts supplies, and so on.

This had been my favorite out of her gifts. I remember the look on her face when she handed me the little blue, tin box. She seemed so overjoyed just to _give _me the necklace that I couldn't help feel a little self-conscious, wondering if my reaction was right. She had said, "This is for you, my sweet one. This is because I loved you." She put the necklace on and continued to talk, "I want you to think of my love every time you wear this necklace. You know your name means dolphin, right?" I nodded and hugged her. She died two weeks later.

The necklace was still shiny and new-looking. I smiled. Yes, it was time to take this out of its grave and resurrect it. I held the pendant tightly in the palm of my hand till I could see an imprint, red and fresh.

"I expected you to be here." I knew it was Kakashi with his cat-like entrances. I nodded silently.

After a few moments, "Were you worried?"

"Yes." He said softly. I had hurt him without meaning to. I clutched the necklace to my chest. I hadn't even turned around to look at him yet.

"Kakashi…I….I…wanted to give you this…"

"What is it?" I could hear him shuffling his weight from one foot to the other.

More moments passed; I finally turned around. "This." Holding out my hand, I let him take the little silver necklace from me.

He held it in his hands and examined it. "Oh?" He said. "For me?" I nodded, stuffing my hands deep down in my pockets. "You shouldn't have." He said teasingly.

"Kakashi!" I whined and then blushed. I had sounded like a little child with a crush.

"Here…help me put it on." He undid the clasp while I put it around his neck. I must admit, it was rather intimate and warmth spread to all regions of my body. I blushed, suddenly embarrassed.

Once it was on, he fingered it thoughtfully. "Did you buy it?"

I shook my head, "No…um…it's old….my mo—I've had it since I was young…and I…I thought…thought…i-i-it might be nice….uhhhh…to remind you of me, you know, when I'm n-not there." I stumbled over the words like a drunk. Why couldn't I say something so simple? The warmth still had not disappeared. It lingered on like candlelight in a dark hallway.

He softly brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. "It's beautiful, dolphin of mine."

I laughed. "That's kind of corny."

He heaved an overly-dramatic sigh, "And here I was thinking I was being romantic." He paused. "Dolphin boy?"

"Not happening."

"You can call me scarecrow man."

"Not a chance in hell." I grinned widely. He made a pouty face—silly, really—and poked my stomach.

I twitched and let out a high-pitched noise guffaw, "No! I'm ticklish!"

"Oh really…." Kakashi's eyes brightened. "How come I never knew this….this interesting detail?"

I shrugged and then flinched instinctively as his fingers came down for another attacker. "No—seriously—stop!" I said in between the chuckled. My body curled and my hands moved to covered the sensitive, ticklish areas but it was no good. The legs I owned suddenly became jelly as I opted to fall to the ground instead of retreat like a good ninja would. "Ka-Ka-Kaka_shi!_"

The copy-ninja was grinning from ear-to-ear as his fingers moved around. "Hey—hey—stop—No—don't—Kashi!" I screamed.

"I didn't know ninjas were this ticklish." He mused, stopping for one brief blessed moment.

I took that chance to try and get away but my inner child let out a shrill cry of excitement.

He leaped.

And, of course, stopped me.

But now…he was on top of me. The warmth I had felt spread returned lightning-quick and began to seep out of my pores. "This is quite compromising." I whispered.

"Yes indeed." He replied. But made no attempts to move.

The warmth was overpowering and had a fluttery, tickling sensation of its own. Like butterflies. And then it traveled lower.

Oh.

It was _that. _

Strange that it took me so long to recognize. I shouted at myself, "Iruka, you dunce!"

Kakashi eyed me. I could see in his eyes that he was weighing his options: to move or not to move…

Making the decision for him, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It was deep, unexpectedly so. Usually, I wasn't so aggressive.

Kakashi finally pulled away and I swore I heard him purr. "Was that ok?" I whispered.

"Mmm…yes…it was quite good." He traced his own lips with the tip of his middle finger. Then he sucked on it with his eyes closed as if he were enjoying something delicious.

I pulled him into a tight embrace; his ear was near my mouth. My tongue darted out to lick the lobe and then I whispered, "I….I need you."

I could feel his breath in my hair. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." As soon as I said the word, something erupted in Kakashi. His hands began to move all over the planes of my body like a thing possessed. Each touch was electric, a new sensation.

My lips sought out his. Familiar ground. He met mine hungrily and devoured them; it felt like he was trying to reach my very soul.

He moved quickly but my skin was cold and hot all at the same time. Despite this, his touch was incredibly gentle and light. And I wasn't scared. I could never be scared of Kakashi.

Clothes were torn off and thrown across the room.

He moved over me. Skin-to-skin contact (it felt wonderful and wholly intimate). The thought hit me: I was naked—with another man that I loved. This was actually happening; I had to convince myself that this was reality.

He kissed my lips softly, my jaw, my neck, my collarbone; making a pathway to my chest. His hand brushed across a nipple. He played with it. I can't exactly describe what he was doing; I was too immersed in the _feeling _of it.

It was like all this pleasure had been pent-up and was being released in waves and ripples. I moaned involuntarily.

His fingers made little pictures on my stomach, I giggled uneasily. "Thought we were done…playing…" I breathed.

His expression was hard to define; a bastardization of mischievous and loving. Then his hands made a beeline for my erection. When I felt his hand around it, my back arched, "Kashi!"

He kissed my belly, "That sensitive, huh?" He hand began to move up and down carefully.

"Just never…never…been with…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I gritted my teeth to hold in another moan.

Kakashi moved over top of me once more. Our bodies fit together perfectly, as if we had been created to be in this moment. "Let it out. I want to hear you. I want to hear you scream my name." He said huskily into my ear.

I wrapped my arms around him as he moved and grinded our erections together. It was hard, light, soft, and velvety. I bucked my hips in attempt to feel that pleasure again. "Mmmm…like this." A hand was under me, guiding my every move.

He grinded into me again and again. I could hear his soft moans and whisperings in my ear, saying my name over and over again. It was building—all of it—every little touch was leading up this…I met his thrust and came, my mouth open in a silent scream.

I breathed heavily and sank back down on the carpet. He kissed my open mouth; his wet tongue ran across my lips. "Sorry." I whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He said, smiling.

"I did it too quickly." I thought I might turn a zillion shades of red if I said "came".

"Hmmm…." He said thoughtfully. "It's fine."

I glanced down at his arousal, still hard. "But…what about you…?" I asked. "Can I?"

He laughed softly as if pleasantly surprised. "Yes."

We both sat up and I was kneeling between his open legs. Our lips met.

Kakashi's hands were in my hair, running up and down my back. I traced the length of his erection with a fingertip. He gasped, but it was controlled and stifled. I bit my bottom lip that was swollen and bruised from kissing. My head lay in the crook of his neck

My hand formed something like a hug around his erection. It throbbed in my hand; the feeling familiar yet different. I moved my hand slowly at first and then gained momentum. He was pulling me tighter against him; his fingers dug into the flesh of my back.

I kissed his neck and whispered into his ear, hoping he could hear me. "I love you. Always. You are my heart. _Lover_." I tried out the word and it felt good to say. "I love you, Hatake Kakashi." I knew the words weren't necessary but I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. He needed to know.

He came into my hand, crying out.

We fell to the ground again; he was on top of me. My legs were in an awkward position but I didn't care. I loved feeling him against me. I loved feeling the exchange of heat and, yes, even the wet stickiness of our lovemaking.

He moved to get up. Old habit, I suspect. "Don't. Just…just a little while longer." He sighed and lay against me. I held him close.

Wanting to stay here forever.

Wanting _him_ to stay here forever.

Stay.

A/N: I dunno if this counts as a lemon or not seeing as there was no actual sex. Hope you enjoyed. Please review!


	15. Chapter 15: Bring Me Back Safely

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 15: Bring Me Back Safely

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and Carry Me Away by Amy Studt

Author's Note: I know it took _forever_ to post this but I was writing a 15 page paper on Milton (ugh! bleh! and yuck!). Also, I think we're coming near the end, which is kind of sad for me (I hope that you feel the same way too). I dunno whether or not to include a full fledged lemon so I'll let you, the readers, decide. Enjoy! Please review.

Kakashi's POV:

An early morning run is good for the soul. Not an early morning full fledged sprint—backwards—around Konoha four hundred times because you were defeated in your last challenge by your eternal rival. Hah. Silly Gai.

It was cool this morning and the sky was barely tinged pink. I was letting Iruka sleep in today. Usually, we woke up together and took a walk. But last night he had stayed up particularly late grading papers on the history of Konoha. Vaguely, I remember writing pointless essays in the ninja academy. And yes, most of them are pointless.

We had grown comfortable with each other in the past two weeks.

Uncomfortably comfortable.

Being off of ninja duty was taking its toll. My hands were itching for a new mission. I was feeling restless. Sometimes I would stealthily sneak up behind Iruka and pounce just like a cat to get my fix. Never worked well though.

So when I heard that the Snow Village had collapsed and in utter ruin, I couldn't help but wish that Tsunade-sama would assign me to _something_. All ninjas, whether they admit it or not, are action junkies in some way. There is a certain kind of thrill when you risk your life; your blood feels as if its become pure adrenaline and you lose yourself in the fight—completely. The hard part is coming back. Being normal. Being alive.

I jogged almost lazily back to my little apartment; Iruka was up, curled up on the couch with his little blue slippers. His hands were tucked under his head and his eyes glanced at my chest where the little dolphin necklace was hanging on his chain. A faint smile played on his lips. "Hey." He whispered.

I took off my shirt and headed down the small hallway. "I'm gonna take a shower, wanna join me?" He bounced off the couch and followed after me.

"I'll wash your back." He began to undress me and then himself. He moved slowly, in his eyes he was enjoying each moment. "I love you." It felt almost wrong to be loved so completely. But that was how Iruka loved. When he loved someone it was simply unconditional love that lasted for a lifetime. He never said "I love you" casually.

"I know." I think I was the same was about those three big words. Whenever I said it, I wanted to feel the weight of those words crushing me so Iruka could pick me back up again and hold me. He was the strong one. He just doesn't know it.

We stepped into the shower and the slightly cool water rained down on us both. Iruka's arms were firmly wrapped around me. "The Snow Village fell." I said, pouring some shampoo in my hand and scrubbing his hair.

He opened his eyes to look at me and I wiped the suds away from his eyes. "What?"

I repeated myself, softer this time. He fingered the little silver chain. "Oh." He murmured. He turned away from me and I ran my fingers through his soapy hair, wordlessly.

I wanted to speak words of comfort but there was nothing to say. The death of that village had been happening for the past ten years…it just needed the right push. Sayu. That white-haired maniac, cold and frigid as freshly fallen snow.

Instead of words I kissed Iruka's shoulder. "Not everything can be fixed with a kiss." He whispered so softly I could barely hear it over the roar of the shower head. He looked at me with he large soft brown eyes. "We need to do something."

In less than an hour Iruka, hair still dripping, was standing outside of Tsunade's office, banging on the door. "Hokage! Hokage! Please, can…can I speak to you?"

The door opened a crack and Shizune looked out with bags under her eyes. It must've been one of those nights. "What?" She said tiredly.

"I need to speak with the Hokage!"

Shizune sighed and let him in. Tsunade was at her desk, drinking some vile looking substance that was thick and orange. "This is my special hangover drink…cough syrup, orange sherbet and a raw egg." She looked up with red, puffy eyes and rubbed her temples. "Whaddaya want?"

Iruka took a deep breath. "The Snow Village has been destroyed and I—"

"I know." She said irritated.

"While we were there we were saved by a very talented healer, Aiko. And I don't feel as if we gave a proper thanks…and, um, I feel indebted. I'd really like to go, with a team, and make sure he's okay and maybe bring him back here." He bit his lower lip, waiting.

"No." Tsunade said. "We have no reason to hel—"

Suddenly, Naruto burst through the door and jumped on Tsunade's desk, "Just when am I gonna go on a mission. Training here doesn't help me at all. I need _experience! _Hands-on! Why can't you assign me to a little mission? Granny Tsunade…you look kind of bloated, you know." The big breasted Hokage looked up angrily.

"I'm hungover." She said, controlled.

Naruto grunted in frustration.. "I don't care...what the crap? Why are you looking at me like that?"

I stepped in and tried using a different tactic. "I could take Naruto to the Snow Village…he'll be out of your hair for at least a week."

She took a sip of her concoction and grinned evilly. "Yes…yes…that would be nice." There was a pause. "Okay. Take your team to the Snow Village to rescue that Akiko person."

"It's Aiko…" Iruka muttered. "Can I go too?"

"Yeah." Tsunade nodded and then screamed. "So get out of my office!"

We left almost immediately for the Snow Village. As we entered the bleak terrain and frosted landscape, an almost physical, heavy presence fell on my shoulders—all of our shoulders. This was defeated land in every way.

The first night was the hardest.

But, as always, we carried on. With blood in our eyes, fear in our hearts and tension in every tendon—my gods, yes, we carry on. It is the ninja way.

After three long days, we reached the Snow Village. True to its name, the place was dusted in a light layer of snow. But this time, the houses were charred black and bodies of children, women and men lay frozen and blood on the ground. Their bodies were torn open and lay like snapped twigs.

Visible, emotional reactions filled my team's faces. Sakura's hand flew to her mouth to stifle a gasp, "…no…" Sasuke turned away, unable to look. Naruto balled up his fist and barred his teeth. Iruka reached for my hand and gave it a tight squeeze, as if he were trying to comfort _me. _

As for myself? I didn't know what to think. I had seen so much carnage and far worse. I had become numb to seeing dead eyes—like a dolls—staring up at me, to seeing their faces twisted in fear.

"Let's carry on." I said.

Feeling another presence, I immediately pulled out a kunai and threw it in the direction I had detected the disturbance. The rest of the team spun around, waiting for the next move.

Clapping. "Hatake-san, a few more inches and that would've killed me." A pale woman with long white hair bowed gracefully as if greeting someone of high importance. Sayu. "Come back to play? I knew you would." She giggled. "And you brought friends this time? Introduce us, please."

"…why did you…those innocent people?!" Naruto said. Every word was laced with uncontrollable anger.

"Ah, little boy, I had to. In order to create something new, you must destroy the old. Death causes a need for new life. _I _will raise this village back to its former glory and I will not have any of you stop me." Sayu grinned wildly, her ice-cold gray eyes were like razors.

Iruka shot me a quick glance. It was full of warning.

I was wondering if it was just her. I could sense others nearby, waiting. But I couldn't pinpoint their location. Damn.

Lightning-quick, Naruto charged at Sayu. "No!" I shouted, clawing after him.

(…Forgive me. I didn't know…)

For a split second, my defenses were down. There was clear opening on my right side. My left hand grazing the fabric of Naruto's orange clothing. I held on and felt him pull. It ripped.

Only then, did I see Iruka moving in front of me to cover my right side.

A small, thin blade was wedged into his shoulder. His knees weakened. He fell.

Sakura was already by his side but her thoughts were on her teammates, who were already engaged in battle with the more-experienced Sayu. Did they even stand a chance? Her hands were applying pressure to the wound, which was gushing out blood. "Iruka…" I whispered. He shouldn't have come. It should've been me.

"Hey…I've had much worse." He tried to chuckle but it came out as a sputtered cough. "I'm…not…m-made of…eggshells. Now go fight, dammit." I nodded and with great effort I joined the battle.

I intended to end this.

A/N: I'm evil. I know it. Also, my fight scenes suck. So much. Argh!!! Oh and don't forget to tell me if you want a lemon or just a lime or whatever. Thanks so much!


	16. Chapter 16: Not Afraid to Die

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 16: Not Afraid to Die

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and Somewhere a Clock is Ticking by Snow Patrol

Author's Note: Warning! Iruka angst/torture. A couple lines from the Snow Patrol song caught my eyes/ears: "You can't leave/Every second dripping off my fingertips/Wage your war/Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die/Well I'm scared." I know it took forever…but on top of school work, I accepted a position as an assistant librarian at the public library…just kill me now. Haha no fight scenes today, people!

Iruka's POV:

I opened my eyes and saw the bleary, pale world before me. The ninja's forms before me were blurs.

Sakura was dabbing at my shoulder, distracted. She was intently watching Sasuke as he charged at Sayu and her minions again and again.

Every time the cloth touched my bare skin it ignited in a blaze of fire. The wound was hurting worse than I expected. The cut was made from a stiletto blade….it was a clean puncture…I didn't understand.

I hated being useless and tried propping myself on my elbows but my body was too weak to move much. I rolled on my side and waited.

Two ninjas—enemies—crept up behind us. I felt their presence. Adrenaline rushed through my veins while my nerves screamed. I was on my feet and ready for anything. Sakura was too slow to react and the ninjas focus on her.

I gathered up any strength I had left and pushed the pink-haired girl behind me. I clutched my shoulder. A low, throbbing pain filled it. It shouldn't hurt this much, I thought. "Stay behind me!" I ordered. She nodded.

The two came at me. "I remember you." One of them—a redhead—said. "Look, Goro. 'Member him. Umino something?" The blue hair one silently nodded. "And he's injured too."

I tried to avoid their hits and techniques but my vision was blurring. My head felt light as a balloon. I didn't understand. I didn't lose that much blood.

Then the blue-haired one—Goro—finally spoke, "From Sayu's dagger. Poison."

_Poison...? _

My kunai fell out of my hands and hit the frozen ground. I slipped in and out of consciousness; somewhere in between, I felt myself being carried away by the two ninjas.

I don't know how long it was—how long I was asleep but a bucket of cold water was thrown onto my skin. I cried out. The icy feeling felt as if a red hot poker was dragged across my skin.

Sayu traced my jawline. It hurt. So much. In her pretty but psychotic eyes I knew she was saying, "You don't even know what pain is."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Kakashi's POV:

In the heat of battle, your vision is a tunnel and many things are missed in the shadows. However, I did not miss Iruka being taken away. I saw his limp form being carried away by those two complete bastards.

"Sakura, why didn't you do _anything_?" I screamed at her. She trembled and started to cry.

My very being kicked and screamed at me, telling me to rescue Iruka but I knew I couldn't leave my team. Not yet when they were still so very inexperienced.

Once we had defeated most of the minions—the rest retreated—I checked Naruto and Sasuke for injuries. Nothing more that minor cuts and bruises. "Fuck." I muttered in my fury.

During moments like this, I sometimes I wish I never had fallen in love with Iruka. Attachments are too dangerous. I wish it had remained imaginary….imaginary love can never hurt you.

"They can't be far." Sasuke said emotionlessly. "They headed north northeast." Naruto glanced at me; worry and anger filled his eyes, like mine.

I nodded and I began to leap frantically from branch to branch. I hoped and prayed to a god I knew didn't exist. _Please let him be alive. Let him be okay._

Minutes later, I recognized the territory somewhat and tried to remember the way to Sayu's hideout. Pakkun had said it was in a cave. I spun around looking all directions for any sign of a cave. My gut told me to keep heading north northeast.

I could see the cave in the distance. Quickening my pace, I didn't slow till I reached its mouth. There I saw Iruka chained to a wall, half naked. His body sagged lifelessly and for a moment my heart stopped when I thought he was dead. While my team checked for enemies, I pressed two fingers against his neck, checking for a pulse. Faintly, I could feel it. I sighed relief.

My first priority was to get him out of his bonds. He had been beaten beyond any recognition, it seemed. His hair was blood-stained, one of his eyes was swollen shut and purple, his right leg was bent the wrong way like a twig—there were so many others. His body was a canvas and the only colors used were purple and red.

With his one good eye, he opened it and saw me. No smile but I hadn't expected one. His lip was puffy, his jaw crooked and fresh blood trickled down.

His mouth moved; his voice—barely a whisper—was hoarse and strained. "I wanted…to see you…one…last time."

"No. No. No. No!" I cried and pulled his broken body into my arms. I sobbed against his hair. "Don't let go just yet. We can fix you." The world around me disappeared and all that I saw was Iruka.

He let out an inhuman scream. "…Don't want to feel….hurt too much…_please."_

"What are you asking me?" I asked. "What happened?"

He coughed blood. "…Don't know. Everything hurt so much." He held in another scream. "Don't touch me. Please. Kill me." He breathing was getting labored and I knew he couldn't last much longer.

"Kakashi!" Sasuke hissed at me. Company was coming.

"Let's get out of here." Naruto nodded.

"Iruka. I'm going to carry you. I have to. We're going to find Aiko." He didn't move; he was like a rag doll in my arms.

A quick, stealth-like dash out of the cave and we were free. Almost. I moved as quickly as I could, hoping to find Aiko's home.

Somehow we reached the small cabin. Everything about it had lessened from before. It used to seem like a godsend, now it was dilapidated. Even Aiko, who was picking herbs just outside, was worn down.

There was some recognition in his face when he saw me. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and exhaled. "Back again?"

"Please…help." I murmured. "Sayu…did this."

He was unaffected by Iruka's state. "Come in. Don't know what I can do. Sayu destroyed most of my supplies." He brushed a dark strand of hair out of his face and sighed. I followed him inside.

My teamed helped him clear off the table and Iruka was placed on it. I did it as gently as possible but he still cried out. "I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Poison." Aiko muttered. "Sayu does love her poisons."

"Can you do anything?!" Naruto screamed, punching the wall.

Aiko shook his head. "Sayu took most of my medicines and antidotes." He continued to explain. "This poison she used is non-lethal but it causes the victim to experience increased amounts of pain with even the slightest touch. Pair that with a beating to hell and back, I don't know. There's nothing I can do until the poison exits his system. If I try to mend his wounds he could die from the pain alone." Aiko closed his eyes, searching for the words even though I knew what he was going to say. "Let's move him into the bedroom. He'll be more comfortable there. I also suggest you start saying your goodbyes. He…he might not make it."

I pushed Aiko against the wall. I couldn't take it, hearing those words even if they were true. "Listen, you fuck. Iruka is strong. He will make it and then you'll do everything in your goddamn power to help him. Do you understand?" The thin man nodded slowly.

Once Iruka was moved to the bed, I crouched down beside him. "Hey, love." He was tense and behind his mask of bruises and blood, silent screams were etched in his skin. "You have to pull through. Aiko says it'll take two more hours for the poison to exit your system. You can hold on, right?" I tried to breathe. An act so natural had suddenly become difficult. "I need you Iruka. You are my shining spirit. My heart. And I need you. I love you." I whispered these secret, intimate words into his ear, hoping my breath did not cause him more pain.

Two long hours passed. Every moment felt like agony.

Then, Aiko came in with a small kit. "Your team is bringing in a basin full of lukewarm water. We'll bathe him and then dress the wounds. It looks as if his hand and leg are broken." Aiko sighed. "Why did you come back? Don't say it was because you missed me." He said to Iruka, who was barely awake.

"…Rescue you." Iruka breathed.

"Silly goose." Aiko smiled, some of the old light returning to his eyes.

It was a slow process. Undressing Iruka, placing him in the tub, watching the water turn a sickly pink from the blood, changing the bed sheets, cleaning and dressing the wounds. For the broken bones Aiko used a splint and tight, thick bandages.

Aiko turned to leave, wiping some sweat off his brow. "I'll get some medicinal tea. Tastes like shit but it'll help prevent infection."

Iruka looked at the ceiling. "I love you know."

I remained silent, waiting for him to talk.

Long moments passed before he said, "Sayu wanted to hurt you, not me. She was so angry." He blinked back tears. "She said that you would come for me. I didn't want you to get…to get hurt so I told her that you valued the mission more than me….it just made her more angry. But I love you, Kakashi. With every ounce of my soul." His good hand inched towards mine and softly brushed it.

Sometimes, I'm so thankful that I'm in love. It's moments like this that make it worthwhile.

A/N: I would never kill off Iruka! Shame on you for thinking I would! Maybe one or two chapters left…

Kakashi put down his bag and wanted to collapse onto the bed but Iruka was looking at him with soft, pleading eyes. "Make love to me." Kakashi nodded, wordlessly. He wrapped his arms around Iruka's waist from behind. They danced as if it was to music they could only hear.


	17. Chapter 17: Interlude

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 17: Interlude

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and

Arthur's Note: Well apparently the latest Naruto episode stole my "piggybacking" idea….just kidding. Sorry for the wait. There's a lime in the beginning…just to let you know. This chapter is just a quickie. Hope you like…please review!

Kakashi's POV:

It took almost twice as long to get back to Konoha. And we wouldn't have left so early if Iruka hadn't pushed. Sitting in a bed healing wasn't his way of the ninja. He'd hobble around on his good leg—wincing—and try to help everyone else. I'd gently scoop him up in my arms and put him back in bed, saying, "You can help by healing, ok?"

"Well if you can think of any activity that'll keep me here then…" He started to say but then he smiled, "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

I kissed him lightly. "Mmmm…I can think of a few things." I winked playfully, letting him make the decision.

"You know," He said with his lips so tantalizingly close to mine, "I've missed you." I felt his hand tracing the length of my spine.

"Hmm…?" I nuzzled the nape of his neck.

"The only time we've done anything….sexual…was that time." I nodded, waiting for him to continue, "And…I think I'm ready."

I laughed. But it was a good laugh. "Okay, stud, but we're not doing anything till you're healed."

"God dammit." Iruka sighed. "I'm going crazy here." And I did have to admit, I was going a bit crazy myself…but I had my trusty right hand and overactive imagination. I couldn't speak for Iruka who had his hands in bandages.

"Babe," I said using my favorite nickname for him (he makes this cute embarrassed face); "You'll know when it's the right moment. We'll both know. But I can give you this." My fingers were under his waistband and I looked into his eyes for his approval. He smiled at me and ran his fingers through my hair. I slipped the pajama bottoms down to his knees and kissed the soft skin of his inner thighs. I glanced up at him, seeing his eyes were closed.

I kissed his lips, messy and wet. "You okay?"

He nodded. "I'm just a little…"

"Nervous?" I asked. I wouldn't be surprised.

"No…this is a dream. Every time I'm with you it feels like a dream." We kissed again, while my hand slipped into his underwear. He gasped. "Kakashi!"

I chuckled, "Shhh Ruka…want the kids to walk in?" I kissed his neck, chest, stomach, making my way down to his groin. I took off his underwear carefully, keeping in mind his injuries. I kissed the tip of his cock before taking him into my mouth. He bit his lip to stop himself from moaning. "Hey, it's okay the door's locked." I said quickly.

He sighed softly. I cupped his balls in my hand before moving lower. My fingers traced the tight circle of his entrance. His hips bucked slightly. "Kashi…"

"You okay?" I needed to know it was okay. I didn't want to be a reminder of Yukio. I wanted to carry him off, far away from that place.

"Mmmm…yeah." He breathed. "It's just different."

I grabbed a bottle of lotion that was lying on the ground and coated my fingers and his entrance with it. I slipped a finger in halfway, feeling him tighten and gasp. "Relax." I moved it in and out, searching for that sensitive place inside of him.

I took him in my mouth again. I wanted him to feel pleasure; I wanted him to feel my love for him. Iruka moaned loudly and I knew I had found the "spot". I moved faster and faster and then he came in my mouth.

I withdrew my finger slowly and rested my head on his good leg. "Love you." I whispered.

"Come…come here." He said, reaching for me. I lay down next to him, draping an arm over him. "Did…did you?" He looked into my eyes.

I grinned and kissed him. He blushed and giggled. I kissed him again, exploring his mouth with my lips and tongue. I reached down and began to touch myself, imagining it was him. We lay there kissing and holding each other and I came moments later. I breathed heavily, "God….wow."

Iruka kissed the tip of my nose and started to fall asleep in my arms.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, "Hey, you guys ok? I heard noises." It was Naruto. Iruka blushed and buried his face in my chest.

I just laughed. "Oh yeah…we're um just doing the hokey-pokey."

Iruka snorted.

"I don't get it." Naruto said from behind the door.

Then there was a muffled, "Dumb ass."


	18. Chapter 18: In My Arms

**Imaginary Love**

Chapter 18: In My Arms

Music: Rufus Wainwright—Imaginary Love and Keren Ann—Lay Your Head Down

Author's Note: For the past chapter, it was sooo hard to write a sex scene from Kakashi's POV. I had to connect with my inner pervert XD. Anyways, I know everyone's been expecting this chapter and I really hope you like. And blame the writer's block and the holidays for the long hiatus

Iruka's POV:

I stood in my hospital gown with Aiko next to me; one of my legs was tightly wrapped in a cast. He leaned against the wall with an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. "There's no smoking in this hospital." A medical ninja nearby said to him. Aiko groaned; his dirty black hair fell over his blue eyes.

"It's not lit." He called back and crossed his thin arms. He turned to me, "Where's Kakashi?"

I sighed heavily. "He left for another mission as soon as we got back." I remembered how he gripped me hand before he left into the dark.

Aiko put a hand on my shoulder, "You really love him don't you?"

"More than you know." I said.

He paused. "You seem well enough. Why not try healing at home?" He chuckled. "I _hate_ hospitals."

An hour later we were back at my apartment. The rooms were cold and dusty from not being used. Aiko was busy making food and medicine. I lay in bed with my eyes counting the dirt spots on the ceiling. Moments later Aiko came in with a bowl of vegetable soup. "Nothing heals the body faster than soup."

"Is that why you make it so often?" I sipped at it slowly.

He threw back his head and laughed. "No. It's the only thing I can cook."

I smiled weakly at him.

Living without the one you love isn't really living at all. It's as if I was this mangled, misshapen form that missing all the pieces to be whole. I know it sounds corny but it was how I felt. I ached for him.

One evening I was drinking hot chocolate with Aiko when Kakashi popped through the window. I ran over to him, my leg was not completely healed but mostly. "Can't you just use a door like a normal person!" Aiko mocked-groaned and excused himself from the apartment.

I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him hard on the mouth, "How long?" I whispered when he broke the kiss.

"Tomorrow morning." He replied; a grin tugged at his lips. I kissed him again. Immediately, his hands were all over me and we were frantically kissing each other with such _need. _We didn't break the kiss until my back hit the wall.

"Did I hurt you?" He whispered while biting my earlobe. I shuddered slightly when his hands were under my shirt, traveling over the smooth skin. "We should go to the bedroom…"

"No!" I growled. I thought that if we moved from this spot, the moment would be lost. "Let's do it here." He pulled off his shirt, then mine. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down onto the kitchen table.

Trying to get comfortable, he knocked over the milk. But neither of us cared. We were so intertwined with each other it was impossible to tell where each of us began and ended.

I threw my head back and moaned when I felt his finger slip inside me. He looked deeply into my eyes and kissed my jaw line and neck. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you."

"You could never hurt me." I pulled him even closer and dug my fingertips into his back. I groaned as he slowly withdrew his finger and then the vacancy was replaced with two fingers. "I love you." I whispered between the strained breaths.

"You are my home. Whenever I'm with you….I'm home." He said. I kissed him slowly, trying to show him how much I loved him. His fingers moved in and out and hit a spot in me the sent my mind reeling.

"I want you….inside….please." I whimpered, tears prickling my eyes. He kissed my eyelids and the tip of my nose before positioning himself above me. I felt the tip of him push past the tight ring of muscle and for a moment it hurt but not much. The pain was immediately replaced with soft kisses and Kakashi moaning my name into my ear.

Each time he moved above me, his hard stomach rubbed against me. I tilted my hips to try and feel all of him against me. "Kakashi!" I cried as I came against his stomach and I felt him shudder as he also came inside.

A sudden golden warmth came over me as I lay in his arms. I felt his ribs expand against me. I sighed, "Love you."

He smiled and blew a raspberry on my chest. "You know, that was only like seven minutes long. Pathetic."

I laughed, "I guess we'll have to practice." And then his lips descended on mine.

A week later…

I looked up. "Do you have your mission report, Kakashi?"

"Why, yes, I do." He grinned and handed me the white sheet of paper. It was not crumpled, illegible or wet. It was…it was covered in drawings.

"Ahem…and what's this?" I said slowly trying to will my blush away.

"Well I was so distracted by a beautiful teacher that I couldn't help myself." He grinned even wider. I looked over the pictures. Little scribblings of me and him in, um, compromising positions.

"You know I cannot accept this report."

"Are you going to punish me?"

"Thoroughly."

Fin


End file.
